Jayden71 Posted February 26, 2011 Report Share Posted February 26, 2011 few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." :D ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass. "It's red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels." "Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don't give me the job, I'll tell who's the father!" :D ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum." ;) 1 Quote Link to comment
420n620 Posted March 31, 2011 Report Share Posted March 31, 2011 the last dime A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three dime coins to play with, to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. The boy coughs up 2 of the dimes but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the dimes, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S.' END OF JOKE and since the title had last dime you prob thought it was Datsun related. :lol: 1 Quote Link to comment
Jennifer Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Kid walks in on his parents having sex. Kid storms out. Dad : " I'll go talk to him ". Dad walks in kid's room but doesn't find him. Dad walks into grandma's room and sees kid fucking the grandma. Kid : " You don't like it when it's your mom huh? " 4 Quote Link to comment
INDY510 Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 A teenager was in his room getting ready to go to sleep when he heard a racket coming from his parents room, he looked in to see what was happening and saw his mom and dad going at it like there was no tomorrow. His dad saw the boy and just laughed and continued on as the boy closed the door and left. A little bit later the dad heard a racket coming from down the hall and went to investigate, he opened the door and there was his son giving it to grandma for all he was worth, The boy looked up and said, not so funny when its your mom is it. Dude that joke is like 3 years old .......... . . .. oh shit..... :unsure: ......... that's when you posted it ...... . hahah Jennifer .... :fu: ...... . . that was on the 2nd page of this thread ...... :lol: Quote Link to comment
Jennifer Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 Dude that joke is like 3 years old .......... . . .. oh shit..... :unsure: ......... that's when you posted it ...... . hahah Jennifer .... :fu: ...... . . that was on the 2nd page of this thread ...... :lol: Whoopsiess. :P Quote Link to comment
nismo dr Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 Roses are red, Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van. 1 Quote Link to comment
nismo dr Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 How do you confuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. Quote Link to comment
Jayden71 Posted July 22, 2011 Report Share Posted July 22, 2011 Times are tough for the CEO of Company X, hes gonna have to let go of a couple employees. He walks into Barb's office, "Hey Mr. Jones, how are you today?" Barb says. "Well Barb, I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I'm either gonna have to lay you or jack off." Says the boss Taken aback Barb replies, "Ummmmm......well Mr. Jones you are gonna have to jack off cuz I'm on my period." Quote Link to comment
nismo dr Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.” The social worker behind the counter replied, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. “Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. “This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20′s and has a rather strong sex drive.” The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull shittin’ me!” The social worker said, “Yeah, well … You started it.” 1 Quote Link to comment
Z chopper Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 What my Mom taught me: Religion - "You better pray that comes out of the carpet" Logic - "Because I said so, that's why" Irony - "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about" Wisdom - "When you get to my age you'll understand" Justice - "One day you'll have kids, I hope they turn out just like you!!" Quote Link to comment
bonvo Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 What my Mom taught me: Justice - "One day you'll have kids, I hope they turn out just like you!!" the mothers curse!!!! Quote Link to comment
Jennifer Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 me: why did the chicken cross the road? you: i don't know me: knock knock you: who's there me: its the chicken that crossed the road to knock on your door. Quote Link to comment
elmerfudpucker Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 You know the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? On a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.... A woman is looking at her breasts in the mirror and asked her husband how she could make them bigger. He told her to rub toilet paper between them. She got mad and asked "how would that help?" He smiled and said "Well it did wonders for your ass!!!" Lil Johnny was in school and The teacher was having them taste different kinds of food and they had to guess what it was, they did ok with the dates, and fruit and such. But then the teacher stumped them with some deer meat. She gave them a hint "Your Mom calls your Dad this" as in "dear" of course. Lil Johnny jumped out of his seat and yelled "Spit it out guys, its an ASSHOLE!!!" 1 Quote Link to comment
420n620 Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that for?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me." Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. 'What's that ?' the lady questions again. "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV." Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS. The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!" The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute." Quote Link to comment
motavated Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 only 12% of the worlds population can figure this out in 30 seconds or less... 1: Always 2: Coming 3: From 4: Take 5: Me 6: Down Quote Link to comment
yello620 Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 only 12% of the worlds population can figure this out in 30 seconds or less... 1: Always 2: Coming 3: From 4: Take 5: Me 6: Down Never going to give you up. :fu: Quote Link to comment
Guest kamakazi620 Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 Never going to give you up. :fu: You've Been "Rick Rolled" YO!!!!!!!!! 2 dudes are walking their dogs in a park and they get hungry,1st dude says "hey lets try out that new resturant" 2nd dude says "what about our dogs?" 1st dude says "follow my lead" he walks in to the resturant with his sunglasses on,the counter guy says "sir,You CAN'T have that dog in here" dude replies "It's my seeing eye dog". "Pardon me sir heres a seat".2nd dude puts on sunglasses and walks in,counter guy says Firmly "SIR you CANNOT have that dog in here" 2nd dude says "It's my seeing eye dog" counter guy says "Sir it's a Chihuahua?!?!?!!" 2nd dude Shouts "WTF??? they Gave me a Chihuahua?!?!?!?!?" 2 drunks have 89cents between themselves 1st drunk says how we gonna get drunk? 2nd drunk says lets go to the supermarket and buy 1 hotdog,1st drunk says we can't get drunk off a hotdog! 2nd drunk says No No we go to the bar run up a tab and when they come to make us pay i'll put the hotdog in my zipper and you suck on it they'll think were gay and kick us out,So they do this to different bars every night and it works!!! 3 weeks later the bartender comes over with the tab the 1st drunk says Quick gimme the hotdog it's your turn to suck it,2nd drunk says remember the day we bought the hotdog?? 1st drunk says yeah,And??? 2nd drunk says Well i got hungery and ate it on the way to the bar Quote Link to comment
Hardwyre Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch." The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert, feeling challenged, slams back the shot. A violently ill look washes over his face and he yells "What the fuck, this tastes like piss!" The old drunk replies, "Oh you're good! Ha! Now tell me how old I am!" 2 Quote Link to comment
Guest kamakazi620 Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 I Noticed your add,and well you seem to have an "Eye" for detail,would you bat your "eye" for me??? "Eye Eye" capt http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lgb/cas/2665687063.html She said she only has 1 eye I said No you have 2 your blue eye and your BROWN eye,can ya "Wink" fer me? 1 Quote Link to comment
darc510 Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 Sort of a Chemistry joke.... Two IONS are walking down the street. '1' turns to '2' and says "Hey,something just happened...I think i just lost an electron." '2' - What? are you kidding? '1' - No, i really think i just lost an electron. '2'- Are you sure? '1' - I'm Positive! 1 Quote Link to comment
RedBanner Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 I Noticed your add,and well you seem to have an "Eye" for detail,would you bat your "eye" for me??? "Eye Eye" capt http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lgb/cas/2665687063.html She said she only has 1 eye I said No you have 2 your blue eye and your BROWN eye,can ya "Wink" fer me? thats the hottest cycloptic nympho ive ever seen! +1 Quote Link to comment
Guest kamakazi620 Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 thats the hottest cycloptic nympho ive ever seen! +1 I know Right??? Just think of it Skull F'n Quote Link to comment
BURLEIGH Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 "How I Learned to Mind My Own Business" I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting “13…. 13…. 13.” The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on… Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting “14…. 14…. 14….” 1 Quote Link to comment
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