joke's you know you got them

[Pumpkn210]

3 Blondes were walking thru the forest, when they came across some tracks. The first blonde said that they are deer tracks, the second blonde thought they were moose tracks. The third blonde got hit by the train!

 

There was a farmer that had alot of labor workers. A traveling salesman stopped by to try to sell him farm work robots. Reluctant at first, he made the salesman give him the robots for a trial run. After the first week he was sold on the robots, called the salesman to come pick up his check. After the transaction the salesman left, but someone in an car he didnt recognize. It was a woman that drove the road just off his land. She told him a story about her being blinded by the sun glaring off the shiny robots whyle driving to work in the morning, and asked him to do something about it. That night he went into the barn when the robots were charging, and painted them all black. The next day only one of them showed up for work!

[420n620]

A Redneck passed away and left his entire

estate to his beloved widow . .. . but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

**********************************************************************************

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?

 

When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies ....."Go ahead."

***********************************************************************************

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ???

 

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

**********************************************************************************

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:

 

1) The DNA is all the same

 

2) There are no dental records

******************************************************************************

Who invented the toothbrush?

 

A Redneck!!

 

(If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)

********************************************************************************

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?

 

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

********************************************************

A new Redneck law was just recently passed

 

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

***********************************************************************************

Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down?

 

'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'

******************************************************

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16

 

and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ? ' . .

 

and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

[hang_510]

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when He notices a frog sitting next to The

green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

"Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he

hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the

frog wrong, puts the club Away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10

inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's

amazing. You must be a lucky frog?"

 

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

 

The man decides to take the frog with Him to the next hole.

 

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

 

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled

and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed The

best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

 

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."

 

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

 

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

 

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I Should bet?"

 

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

 

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the

man figures what the heck, Boom! Tons of cash comes back across the table

 

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

 

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you

 

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

 

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

 

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

 

With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.

 

"And that is how the girl ended up in my room honey. So help me God, or

my name is not Tiger Woods."

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

getting married

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

 

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

 

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

 

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

 

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

 

She said, 'That was incredible!"

 

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

 

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

 

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

 

"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal".

__________________

[420n620]

The candy with the little hole : life savers

 

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

 

Red.....................Cherry

Yellow.................Lemon

Green...................Lime

Orange ..............Orange

 

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None

of the children could identify the taste.

 

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your

mother may sometimes call your father.'

 

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and

yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

 

:rofl:

[hang_510]

the power of badges:

 

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

 

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

 

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

 

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

 

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

 

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

old lady in court

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

 

Old Lady:

I am 94 years old.

 

Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

 

Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm

spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch

and sat down beside me.

 

Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?

 

Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.

 

Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?

 

Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.

 

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?

 

Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.

 

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

 

Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died

some 30 years ago.

 

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

 

Old Lady:

He began to rub all over of my body.

 

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

 

Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.

 

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

 

Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.

I haven't felt that good in years!

 

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

 

Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down

and told him 'Take me, young man.. Take me now! '

 

Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?

 

Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"

And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

Lonely Brain Cell

 

 

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

 

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

 

 

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

 

 

 

 

"We're down here ."

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

 

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practice ing law.

__________________

[wildmaninid]

A fellow is in a bar one afternoon having a pint to relax. Place just opened a while ago and it is kinda slow. After the bartender and him quit their smalltalk, he begins to notice a very attractive young lady in a corner booth reading a rather large volume. Deciding to strike up a conversation, he ask's the bartender what she is drinking. Finding out it was a simple glass of chardonnay, he has the barkeep send her a glass of wine with his compliments. The woman barely acknowledges the bartender, and doesen't even look his direction. Well this starts to eat on him, and he decides to just man up and go talk to her.

 

He approaches her table and clears his throat, and again she doesen't even notice him. He finally says "excuse me, miss" and she looks up FINALLY.

 

"I can't help but notice I had a glass of wine brought to your table, and you didn't even look my direction"

 

in an apologetic tone she explained she was a college student, and she was deeply concentrating on her studies and was so sorry to ignore him

 

the man asks what she is studying for, she says "for my anatomy finals, more directly the male reproductive system"

 

the man asks "well then, tell me something about the male anatomy that i wouldn't know"

 

"well" she says " It says here that native americans actually have the longest penises, and that people of mexican heritage actually have the most girth"

 

"WOW" exclaimed the man, "that is very interesting, by the way I didn't catch your name"

 

"oh" she says "my name is Shirley, whats yours"

 

"Tonto Hernandez"

 

HAHAHHAHAHAHHA

[420n620]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,

'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

 

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

 

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

 

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

 

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

 

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

 

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

 

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'

[521rat]

A girl is lying on the beach with no arms or legs. a guy walks up, and she starts to cry. he asks why shes crying. she says, "ive never been kissed before. so he kisses her. she starts crying again. he asks why shes crying. she says shes never been screwed. he picks her up and throws her in the water.

"there," he says, "now your screwed."

[Blitz]

A family of 3 lived on a farm: Father, Mother, and Son.

Son comes down and says "mom, I want breakfast"

Mom replies "ok, but yu'll have to milk the cows for milk, and feed the chickens for eggs"

Son says "fine ok."

Son goes out to the barn, and decides "I don't want to milk the cow", and kicks the cow.

Same goes for the chickens "I don't want to feed the chickens" and kicks a chicken.

So, he goes back inside and says "mom I milked the cow and fed the chickens, can I have breakfast now?"

But the mom says "No, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I also saw you kick a chicken, so you're not getting any eggs"

By the time this all happens, Father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat out of the way.

The son says "well mom, should I tell him?"

[fastdadd]

To the Drunk Hottie who fell off my motorcycle

 

Reply to:

Date: 2007-11-07, 5:23AM

 

I met you at the bar last night, and we hit it off. Ya we were both a little buzzed, but you seemed as into me as I was into you. Things got to things, we made out a bit, and you ended up going home with me on the back of my motorcycle, which was awesome because that doesn't usually happen to me. I luckily had the extra helmet with me and let you wear my bike jacket while suffering the cold on the way home. I was feeling pretty happy and lucky to say the least.

 

This is where things got crazy.

 

I don't know if you slipped, or thought I was taking you home to kill you, or if your're just plain crazy and had a change of heart, but all of a sudden you let go of me MID-TURN and went flying into the bushes at about 10-15mph near the park by my house. I was so freaked out!!! when I looked back to see you fumbling in the bushes I could only PRAY TO GOD that you didn't hit the asphalt or something worse.

 

I really thought you must have been hurt at least a bit, but as I turned around to come check on you, you took off into the unlit park running full speed with my helmet and jacket still on! I parked my bike and looked for you for over 2 hours calling your name until I was so cold I had to go home or risk freezing to death.

 

WTF

 

Im sorry for what happened and I really hope your're ok, really I do, but seriously WTF. Running into a forested park in the middle of the night like that....I really can't begin to guess what you were thinking, and you weren't that drunk, but i suppose my "crazy-bitch o' meter" wasn't working at the bar that night, and from the speed you took off I can only surmise that your're not that hurt. I would like my expensive bike gear back though, I hope it kept you warm during your psychotic episode, but it IS mine and I kinda need it to get around in the winter. If you could return it to the bar for me, check in with your shrink, and promise to never come near me again that would be great, cause you scared the #*$% outta me and are costing me alot of money.

 

Sincerely,

Very cold/poor motorcycle rider who will never let women near his bike again.

[nismo dr]

:rofl:

[Guest kamakazi620]

I'd tell some but then i'll be banned!!!!! no joke :(

[D@tsuks]

Did you guys hear that Michael Jackson once checked in to the Betty Ford Clinic?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For a 4 year old crack habbit.

[Guest kamakazi620]

the differance between michael jackson and neil armstrong??? neil armstrong was the first Man to Walk on the Moon and michael jackson F$%#s little boys

[nismo dr]

holy shit :rofl:

[D@tsuks]

Why does Michael Jackson like sleeping with twenty eight year old's? Cuz theres 20 of them

[Duke]

What did Michael Jackson want for his birthday. A Game Boy.

[420n620]

A little girl goes into a pet shop and asks to buy a "widdle wabbit." The shop keeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and asks "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"

 

 

The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my anaconda gives a phuc."

[Skib]

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him.

[Skib]

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard.

As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

[Skib]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

 

 

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

 

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

 

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

 

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

 

 

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

 

 

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

 

 

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

 

 

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

 

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.