joke's you know you got them

[Jayden71]

A husband is visiting his wife in the hospital. She was in a serious car wreck and the doctors think she may not make it through the night.

 

The husband stands by her bed side, staring at her and slowly stroking her leg.

 

Suddenly the doctor burst in and asks the husband, "what are you doing to her?"

 

"Nothing, just touching her leg." the husband replies.

 

"Your wife is responding with increased brain activity, keep it up. Maybe even try a little oral sex. I will leave you alone for awhile."

 

The doctor leaves the two alone and the husband starts doing what he was told.

 

A few minutes later the wife flat lines and dies.

 

The doctor storms back in and demands, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?"

 

The husband stunned responds, "My guess is she choked to death!"

:lol::lol::lol:

[fastdadd]

how do you know if you are at a gay BBQ

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the hot dogs taste like shit

[Weaver]

A man went to the hospital , to have

his wedding ring cut off his penis. According to the nurse

attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend

found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know

he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly

to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

 

I don't know what's worse:

 

1. Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your

penis ... OR ... 3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call, you decide.

 

The doctor and the bee

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making

love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window.

As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.

The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's

a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took

her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

 

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky

situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young

sir would permit." The husband being very concerned

agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get

the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK,

what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my

penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I

feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall

withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis

out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave

his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever,

just get on with it."

 

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,

inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few

gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think

the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit

deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After

a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard

indeed.

 

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began

to moan and groan aloud.

 

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was

enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's

breasts and started making loud noises.

 

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed

and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you

think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating,

replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the

bastard!"

 

 

Lorena Bobbit

Did you hear Lorena Bobbit recently died in a car accident?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some dick cut her off.

Edited May 28, 2009 by Weaver

[Madness]

Im sure ill be told if this one has been posted.

 

Friday night i went to McCarthys pub, sat down at the bar and ordered a PBR.

I noticed a guy back in the corner that i've never seen there before. He looked a little lonely so i went over.

 

"Hey, my names bart, what do they call you?"

"Back in Ireland" he says "I built great bridges, but do they call me O'Malley the bridge builder? NO"

"Back in Ireland, I constructed massive castles, but do they call me O'Malley the Mason? NO"

"Back in Ireland, I once saved 15 kids from a burning school bus, but do they call me O'Malley the Hero, no"

"You fuck ONE goat..."

[420n620]

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES.................

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

 

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something,

then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

 

Little Sally led off:

"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales

approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit And I credit that

approach for my obvious success."

 

"Very good," said the teacher.

 

Little Jenny was next:

 

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained To everyone that

magazines would keep them up on current events..."

 

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

 

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

 

The teacher held her breath.

 

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of

cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

 

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

 

 

"Toothbrushes," said little Johnny..

 

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

 

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

 

 

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny," I set up a Dip &

Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same

thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

 

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

:lol:

[Jester]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::thumbsup:

[fastdadd]

An ugly man walks into his local bar with a big grin on his face.

 

"What are you so happy about?" asks the bartender. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by

the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her

free and took her back to my place."

"Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,

sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

 

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

 

"Dunno... Never found the head."

[pas4116]

how come miss piggy can't count to 100

 

 

 

 

because everytime she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat:lol:

[bucket]

what dose michel jackson and caviar have in comom?

 

they both come on lil white crackers

[fastdadd]

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a datsun in there!"

[fastdadd]

I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that

course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had

prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're

definitely going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit

hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee

from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL

fall off.

 

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups

of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No

'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way

through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning

symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

 

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,

I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to

refinish the den..

 

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart

and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't

until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the

pain hit me.

 

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm

referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to

hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

 

The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small

intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I

could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring

sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

 

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped

in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I

was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

 

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my

body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red

aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

 

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction

would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you

ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I

mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

 

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he

walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so

terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running,

was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though

trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,

but then made me laugh.. ........BIG mistake!!!!!

 

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped

down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue

burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I

was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that

someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

 

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off

through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole

way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took

place.

 

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began

the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my

ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in

the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a

gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that

bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

 

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled

cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee

approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few

minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.

The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two

which ought to take care of the problem.'

 

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape

me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to

cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S

YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was

unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not

to return.

 

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat

but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to

shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court

over the whole matter.

 

Jerks claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

[hang_510]

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

 

[fastdadd]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St.. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President OBama's clock?' asked the man.

St. Peter said, 'OBama's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it for a ceiling fan.'

[fastdadd]

Husband asks "What would you do if I won lotto?" Wife says "I'd take half of it and leave you!" Husband replies "Excellent ...I won $12, here's $6, now f**k OFF!!

[fbiphil]

Guy walks into a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. While he's sitting at the bar, the guy next to him says, "the way the wind currents go up the building, you can jump out the window and float in midair!"

First guys says, "No way- prove it", so the guy jumps out the window, hovers for a few seconds, and floats back in.

"That's amazing!" says the guy, so he jumps out the window and falls to his death.

As the second guy sits back down at the bar, the bartender walks up and says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman."

[dat521kid]

Husband & wife arrive in heaven. Wife says, here we are 2gether again. Husband says, screw that shit! The deal was till death do us part. Bitch I'm single!

[dat521kid]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attched to his groin. The bartender says, hey buddy u have a wheel stuck 2 urself. The pirate says argh, its driving me nuts!

[a.d._510_n_ok]

159 years ago this fall.... back in 1850.

 

California became a state.

 

The people had no electricity.

 

The state had no money.

 

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

 

There were gunfights in the streets.

 

So basically, nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

[Jester]

^^^^^^^^^^:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Skib]

159 years ago this fall.... back in 1850.

 

California became a state.

 

The people had no electricity.

 

The state had no money.

 

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

 

There were gunfights in the streets.

 

So basically, nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

 

 

 

 

hahahahahaha :lol:

[bonvo]

159 years ago this fall.... back in 1850.

 

California became a state.

 

The people had no electricity.

 

The state had no money.

 

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

 

There were gunfights in the streets.

 

So basically, nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

 

the sad part is its true:lol::lol::lol:

[Jester]

the sad part is its true:lol::lol::lol:

 

That's what makes it so dang funny at the same time.

[a.d._510_n_ok]

Huh - I figured the Cali mob here would ban me for that one :lol:!

 

 

 

[mazdat]

One day this guy was driving down a street (lets say he was driving a datto)minding his own business, all of the sudden he heard a real loud POP noise, one of his tires blew up and went flat, he rushes out to see what happened,and sure enough...a flat. So he went to the trunk and started to pull out the jack and tire iron, he jacks up the car and removed the hub cap and laid it on the ground, he removed the lug nuts and puts them inside the hub cap, at that moment another car passes by him and barely hits the hubcap sending all the lug nuts flying all over the place, no lug nuts in sight, so the guy started to panic wondering whats he's going to do now with no lug nuts to reinstall the spare, when his car stopped with the flat, car happened to stop by a mental institution, so the man started to pace back and forth trying to figure out whats he's going to do, at that moment there was this guy at one of the windows in the institution calling him, so the man with the flat tire comes over and ask the other guy at the window, "What do you want? the guy at the window said "how about if you take 1 lug nut off each wheel, you'll have 3 lug nuts to reinstall your wheel, the man with the flat said "Wow, thats a great idea!!! and followed with a question... So why the hell you're in here??? the guy with the flat asked, the guy at the window replied "I'm in here because I'm crazy, NOT STUPID!!!

[woodside4032]

How do you circumcisize a redneck?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kick his sister in the chin