joke's you know you got them

[fastdadd]

A very drunk man met a prostitute up a dark alley and asked her how much for full sex?

$20 she replied

ok he says and they get down to it.

next minute a policeman appears and shines his light in their faces

"whats going on here?" he asks

"Nothing I'm just having sex with my wife" came the reply

"Oh sorry sir" the copper answers "I didn't realise she was your wife!"

Man shouts "NO NEITHER DID I UNTIL YOU SHONE THAT BLOODY LIGHT IN HER FACE!"

_________________

[Z-train]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

 

She says hello.

 

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'

 

 

 

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I fucked on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery, jammed a big dildo in my ass, put clothespins on my nuts, beat me over the head and back with a chain, pulled the dildo out of my ass, tried to make me suck the dildo???'

 

 

 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Llittle_Llama]

man goes to his doctor and finds out he has cancer. He goes home and tells the family what happened and they throw him a big party with all his friends. at the end everyone wants a speech, so he stands and talks for a little while and then a tear falls.....he says, I had so much more I wanted to do before I died, and this fucking AIDS has left me a shell of a man..... he then walks out. His son runs after him and says, I thought you had cancer! The dad says, "I do, but I dont wnat anyone fucking your mom after I die!" :lol::lol:

[Llittle_Llama]

a woman is walking down the sidewalk and sees an old man hobbleing along. she notices he is smiling proudly and asks him how his day is. he sas "AWESOME!" she asks why and he replies "it's great to be alive" she asks, what is your secret? he says, I do drugs, all I can whenever I can, I fuck ANYTHING! men women, who fucking cares, a nut is a nut. I smoke all I want and chew and party all day and all night! she says, wow! how old are you?!? he says, "26" :lol:

[dat521kid]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiFrfeJ8dKM

[420n620]

Spanish Words of the Day

 

1. Cheese

The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese

 

in a sentence. Pepito replied:

 

'Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'

 

 

2. Mushroom

When all of my family get in the car, there's

 

not mushroom.

 

 

3. Shoulder

My fren wanted to become a citizen but she

 

didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

 

 

4. Texas

My fren always Texas me when I'm not home

 

wondering where I'm at!

 

 

5. Herpes

Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my

 

piece and she got herpes.

 

 

6. July

Ju told me ju were going to that store

 

and July to me! 'Julyer!'

 

 

7. Rectum

I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

 

 

8. Juarez

One day my gramma slapped me and I said,

 

' Juarez your problem?'

 

 

9. Chicken

I was going to go to the store with my wife

 

but chicken go herself.

 

 

10. Wheelchair

We only have one enchilada left, but

 

don't worry, wheelchair.

 

 

11. Chicken wing

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing..

 

 

12. Harassment

My wife caught me in bed with another

 

women and I told her, honey,

harassment nothing to me.

 

 

13. Bishop

My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to

 

pick the bishop.

 

 

14. Body wash

I want to go to the club but no body

 

wash my kids.

 

 

15. Green Pink Yellow

When the phone green, I pink it up,

 

and say, 'Yellow?'

[Figbuck]

Two Ratsunistas come walking out of the Pick 'n Pull with a wheelbarrow full of Datsun parts.

First guy walks by a hundred dollar bill laying on the ground.

Second guy says why didn't you pick up the C note?

First guy says,

 

If it was worth anything somebody else would have picked it up.

 

Wreet...

[DatsunKid]

Hahahah

[a.d._510_n_ok]

It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has

been dismissed after 38 years of loyal service to many US Presidents.

 

When interviewed, the gardener protested his innocence and said "All I did

was go into the Oval Office and ask, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?"

[420n620]

Sex in the Dark

 

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

 

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

 

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

 

 

 

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

 

 

 

She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

 

 

 

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

 

'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'

[ariascarlos1990]

Robber walks into a bank tells everybody to drop down to the ground. Then someone from behind him rips his mask off, he turns around and says you seen my face "BANG" shoots him. Then looks to another person and says you seen my face "BANG" shoots them. the robber put his mask back on and says did anyone else see my face? A man down on the ground says "I think my wife did"

 

:lol:

[420n620]

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly

couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

 

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing

wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

 

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

 

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch

again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

 

This happens several weeks in a row.

 

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry,

but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

 

 

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

 

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

 

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

 

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

 

The Hilton charges $139.

 

We do it here for $50, and

Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

[420n620]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

 

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

 

"Hunting Flies"

He responded.

 

"Oh. ! Killing any?"

She asked.

 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

 

Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"

 

He responded,

3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone.

[Jester]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

 

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

 

 

 

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,

 

Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

 

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had

 

a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

 

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything

 

about the baby's missing ears or even said the word

 

ears, he would get the ass whooping of his life when they came

 

back home.

 

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

 

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a

 

beautiful baby.'

 

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.

 

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and

 

beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really

 

beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

 

 

 

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful;

 

the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

 

 

 

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz

 

he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.

[420n620]

THE COWBOY

 

 

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

 

His horse has already died of thirst.

 

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

 

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

 

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

 

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going trust a FEMA genie...'

 

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

 

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

 

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

 

***POOF***

 

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

 

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

 

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

 

***POOF***

 

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

 

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

 

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will wan t and need me.'

 

***POOF***

 

He was turned into a tampon.

 

The moral of the story:

 

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

[a.d._510_n_ok]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

 

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

 

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders

of nature through such innocent eyes.

 

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

 

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her

attention.

 

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

 

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

 

'They're mating,' her father replied.

 

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

 

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

 

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

 

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question

he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

 

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,

then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

 

'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she

said.

[Lozer]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

 

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

 

 

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

 

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

 

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief

and suffering for years after eating it?'

 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

[Jester]

A teacher asked her class; What's the biggest word you know?

 

A boy says, MASTURBATION.

 

Teacher replys, That's a mouthfull.

 

By fires back.......No, you thinking blowjob. :blink:

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[fastdadd]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him. Mick says 'how you doin?'

 

 

 

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

 

 

 

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.

 

 

 

They say 'get away with ya, prove it.'

 

 

 

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

 

 

 

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?'

[bonvo]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him. Mick says 'how you doin?'

 

 

 

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

 

 

 

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.

 

 

 

They say 'get away with ya, prove it.'

 

 

 

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

 

 

 

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?'

 

 

yes lmfao

[Jester]

:lol::lol::lol:

[fastdadd]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

 

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

 

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

 

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

 

 

'A female horth.'

 

So he shows him a prized filly.

 

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

 

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

 

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

 

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

 

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

 

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

 

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

 

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny,

 

pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

 

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrathe that: Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

[fastdadd]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband

opening the front door.Hurry she said, stand in the corner.

She rubbed baby oil all over him then dusted him with talcum powder.

Don't move until I tell you she said. Pretend you're a statue.

What's this? the husband inquired as he entered the room.

Oh it's a statue, she replied.The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.No more was said not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

Here he said to the statue have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.

[dat521kid]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband

opening the front door.Hurry she said, stand in the corner.

She rubbed baby oil all over him then dusted him with talcum powder.

Don't move until I tell you she said. Pretend you're a statue.

What's this? the husband inquired as he entered the room.

Oh it's a statue, she replied.The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.No more was said not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

Here he said to the statue have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.

 

:lol::fu::lol:

[Jayden71]

I, the penis request a pay raise due to the following reasons:

 

1.I do physical labor

2. I work @ great depths.

3. I plunge head first into everything I do.

4. I work weekends and holidays.

5. I work in a damp enviroment.

6.I work in dark areas with poor ventilation.

7. I work in hi tempratures.

8. My work exposes me to disease.

 

Dear Penis,

Your request has been denied for the following reasons::(

 

1. U don't work 8 hours straight

2.U don't stay in your designated work area and are frequently found in other locations:blink:

3. U work in short spurts and fall asleep after each work period

4. U must be stimulated to start working:D

5. U leave your work place messy at the end of each shift:fu:

6. You have constantly been seen entering the workplace with two suspicious bags

7. U sometimes leave the work area b4 completing the assigned task