joke's you know you got them

[Jester]

A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.

 

 

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons

 

tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, An owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

 

 

 

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

 

 

 

The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

 

 

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

[420n620]

Old Fart Football

 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows

When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

 

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football.."

 

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

 

Af ter about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,

"Aha.. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,

"Touchdown, tie score."

 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

 

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard..

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,

 

And accidentally shits in the bed.

 

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

 

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[Jester]

This came from a Marine's wife. It says it all:

 

 

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government

underwent a peaceful transition of power a few months ago.

 

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Barack Obama took

his Oath of office.

 

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines,

in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the

President.

 

 

It was then that I realized how far America 's Military had

deteriorated.

 

 

Every last one of them missed

[Phlebmaster]

I read this this morning at work and could not stop laughing...sad thing is, some of this has happened to me. :lol:

 

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

 

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

 

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

 

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

 

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

 

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

 

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

 

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

 

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

 

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

 

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

 

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

 

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

 

I found this here: http://www.jokes.com/funny/whatever/rules-for-work

[Phlebmaster]

A guy fell asleep on the beach in Florida for

several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically

to his upper legs.

 

 

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

 

 

With his skin already starting to blister, and the

severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill

every four hours.

 

 

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

 

 

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for

his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his

legs.'

[420n620]

Little Johnny meets Barack Obama

 

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school

and he visited one of the classes.

 

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words

and their meanings.

 

The teacher asked the president if he would like

to lead the discussion on the word tragedy.'

 

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'One little boy stood up and offered:

'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field

and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would b e a tragedy.'

 

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

 

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children

drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

 

I'm afraid not,' explained Obama.

'That's what we would call great loss.'

 

The room went silent.

No other children volunteered.

Obama searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said:

'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama

was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown

to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right.

And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

 

'Well,' says the boy,

'It has to be a tragedy,

because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss....

and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

[Jester]

I'm probably going to get a tiny set of wings for this one.

 

 

Did you hear Wal-Mart is seling Obama Christmas ornaments?

 

 

Go figure.................It's finally leagal to hang a ni@@er from a tree.

 

:D:D:D:D:D:D

[hang_510]

:lol:

I'm probably going to get a tiny set of wings for this one.

i heard a bell...

[420n620]

[Jester]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

 

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

 

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

 

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

 

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

 

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

 

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

 

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w"with "v".

 

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

 

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

 

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[hang_510]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there

[69FJWagon]

my sister emailed this to me...

 

COP vs. LITTLE GIRL

 

 

 

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

 

Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

 

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

 

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

 

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

 

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

 

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa... the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'

 

:lol:

[Jester]

Nice one Clayton. My got a good laugh too.:D

[moparvwfreak]

Try to figure out which Xmas carols these are!

 

1. Move hitherwards, the entire assembly of those who are steadfast.

 

2. Ecstasy towards the terrestrial sphere.

 

3. Hush, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.

 

4. Creator, cool it, you kooky cats.

 

5. O tatterdemalion ebony atmosphere.

 

6. The thing manifested itself at the onset of a transparent day.

 

7. Embellish the interior passageways.

 

8. Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted metallic resonant cups.

 

9. Hey, minuscule urban area south of Jerusalem.

 

10. Nocturnal timespan of unbroken quietness.

 

11. This autocratic trioka originates near the ascent of Apollo.

 

12. The primary carol.

 

13. Natal celebration devoid of color, rather albino, as in a hallucinatory phenomenon for me.

 

14. Valention, the roseate probascis wapiti.

 

15. Diminutive masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic cylinders.

 

16. O nativity conifer.

 

17. During the time bovine caretakers supervised their charges past midnight.

 

18. What offspring abides thus?

 

19. Removed in a bovine feeding trough.

 

20. Expectation of arrival at a populated area by mythical, masculine, perennial gift-giver.

 

21. Geographic state of fantasy during the season of Mother Nature's dormancy.

 

22. Proceed to declare something upon a specific geographical Alpine formation.

 

23. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals.

 

24. Jovial Yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural by us.

 

25. Thoracic-Squirrel diet barbecue.

[moparvwfreak]

ANSWERS

 

1. O Come All Ye Faithful

2. Joy To the World

3. Hark The Herald Angels Sing

4. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

5. O Holy Night

6. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

7. Deck the Halls

8. Jingle Bells

9. O Little Town of Bethlehem

10. Silent Night

11. We Three Kings (of Orient are)

12. The First Noel

13. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

14. Rudolf, The Red-Nosed Reindeer

15. The Little Drummer Boy

16. O Christmas Tree

17. While Shepards Watched Their Flocks By Night

18. What Child Is This?

19. Away In a Manger

20. Here Comes Santa Clause

21. Winter Wonderland

22. Go Tell It On the Mountain

23. Frosty the Snowman

24. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

25. Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire

[1Low620]

A nun gets on a bus, seats behind the bus driver and strikes up a conversation.

 

She tells the bus driver she needs someone to talk to, she explains she lives in a covent, and wants to experience sex before she dies.

 

The bus driver agrees, she tells him she can't have sex with a married man cause that would be a sin.

 

Next, she says she must remain a virgin so she'll have to take it up the ass, the bus driver agrees again.

 

being the only people on the bus, they head to the back and go at it.

 

After their done, she seats behind the bus driver and a few minutes later the driver says " Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three children " the nun says that's ok, I have a confession too! My name is John and I'm on my way to a costume party!

[1Low620]

White guy on an elevator.....

 

Skinny little white guy gets on an elevator, standing in a corner is a fairly large black man.

 

The black man notices the little guy starring up at him, and says " 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown "

 

the skinny little white guy faints, the large black man brings him to a few minutes later and asks him if he's alright.

 

skinny little white guy says " WHAT exactly did you say?"

 

Large black guy says " Well, I seen you starring at me and I figured I'd give you the answers to all the questions folks ask me, he says, I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 lbs, I have a 20 inch cock, 3 lb testicles, the names Turner Brown "

 

little white guy yells out " WHAT?!?! Turner Brown, fuck I thought you said TURN AROUND!!!! "

Edited November 19, 2009 by 1Low620

[1Low620]

A man rushes his pregnant wife to the hospital, a few hours later the doctor comes running out yelling " Your wife just gave birth to healthy triplets! "

 

The man, very excited yells out " I'm not surprised! I've got a dick like a chimney! "

 

Doctor says " You should get it cleaned!, their black! "

[1Low620]

3 Kids Fishing....

 

 

 

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped and fell over the railing and landed in the river below.

 

Before the secret service could get to him, the 3 kids fishing pulled him out of the water.

 

He was so grateful, he offered the kids what ever they wanted.

 

the first kid said " I want to go to Disneyland!. Barack said no problem, I'll pay for it and even take you there on AirForce One! "

 

the second kid said " I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes! Barack said no problem! I'll buy them for you, and even have Michael Jordan sign them for you! "

 

the third kid said " I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset! Barack, a little perplexed by this said, son you don't look like your handicapped to me! The kid replied, I will be after my dad finds out I saved your black ass from drowning! "

[1Low620]

The train ride.....

 

Sitting together on a train was a black guy, a redneck, a little old lady and a young blonde with huge tits.

 

The train goes into a tunnel and a few seconds later, there is the sound of a loud slap.

 

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the black guy has a bright red hand print on his face.....

 

no one says a word

 

The old lady thinks the black man must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him!

 

The blonde thinks the black guy tried to grope her in the dark , but missed and fondled the old lady, and she slapped him.

 

The black guy thinks the redneck must have groped the blonde in the dark , she tried to slap him but missed and got him!

 

The redneck thinks he cant wait for another tunnel so he can slap the black man again.

[LAYEDOUTB2K]

Little RALPHY goes to

school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable

words, class.. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

 

 

RALPHY says

'Mas-tur-bate..'

 

 

Miss Rogers smiles and

says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

 

 

Little RALPHY says, 'No,

Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

[420n620]

Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient

government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

 

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround

yourself with intelligent people."

 

Obama frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really

intelligent?"

 

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to

answer an intelligent riddle."

 

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.. "Please send

Tony Blair in here, would you?"

 

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and

father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

 

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

 

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen..

 

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same

question..

 

"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child..

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

 

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He

goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's

shoes in the next stall.

 

Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and

father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is

it?"

 

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy.. It's me!"

 

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with

Obama.

 

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's

Colin Powell."

 

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face,

"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[moparvwfreak]

Your doctor has scheduled you for an autopsy on ___________ at _______ AM/PM. St. Amgems Hospital wants you to be prepared for what should be an eventful time. This guide should answer the most common questions in regard to your procedure. Please call your doctor's office if you have any further questions. Please remember, autopsies are performed on an "as needed" procedure. If you, or a qualified Medical Examiner chooses to cancel your autopsy, the Pathology department requires 24 hours notice.

 

WHAT IS AN AUTOPSY?

As advanced as medical science is, sometimes we need more thorough procedures to find out why your living status has been impaired. An autopsy can include CAT scans, X-rays, and surgical evaluation.

 

WILL IT INVOLVE SURGERY?

Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious traumatic impact, surgery is needed. Your doctor may wish to examine your vital organs. This involves removal of the organs for the purpose of study. The contents of your stomach will also be examined, so we urge you not to take anything by mouth for 12 (twelve) hours before cessation of your existence or the procedure.

 

WILL IT HURT?

We certainly hope not. If at any time you're feeling uncomfortable, please feel free to alert the pathologist.

 

WHAT SHOULD I BRING?

We recommend a very large, empty suitcase. Ideally, your family should sign a "permission for disposal" form. If this has been done, you'll be provided with an effects bag and all unwanted matter will be disposed of in a device affectionately known as "Chuckie". It can also be helpful for you to bring anything that might have contributed to your current condition. This can include any drugs containers from medications you might have ingested.

 

WHEN CAN I RETURN TO WORK?

Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this after your autopsy.

 

WILL I HAVE A SCAR?

We take vanity in consideration. You may have a large "Y" shaped incision on your torso. There may also be some scalp incisions that can be covered by a competent professional.

 

WILL YOU LAUGH AT MY WEENIE?

Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with stress and alcoholism. Your doctor may already have placed you in the Weenie Relocation Program (WRP) which means your weenie might end up in any number of body cavities, at the whim of your doctor. Should you not want us to laugh at your weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand.

 

We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a positive experience and promise to treat your earthly remains with dignity and respect (aside from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our brochures "Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So You're Dead. What Next?" for more information.

 

Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts when yours ends!

[Jayden71]

What do JFK and Barak Obama have in common?

 

 

 

 

Nothin yet.............:blink:

[Jayden71]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."