joke's you know you got them

[420n620]

When O.J. Simpson Dies and Goes To Hell ... One day in the future,

 

OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list,

but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll

tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who

weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to

take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

 

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to

the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted

kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over

he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

 

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't

think I could do that all day long.'

 

The devil led him to the door of the next room .

 

In it was George Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.

All he did was swing that hammer, pounding away time after time after

time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I

would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,'

commented OJ.

 

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying

on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a

spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she

does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said,

'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

 

The devil smiled and said:

'OK, Monica, you're free to go...'

[420n620]

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

[420n620]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia and he sees a sign in front of a

broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '

 

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there..

 

'You talk?' he asks.

 

'Yep,' the Beagle replies..

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

 

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was

pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had

me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the US Marine Corps. You know the reputation of the RECON?'

 

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with

spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around

really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

 

I retired from the Marine Corps (8 Corps years is 56 dog years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married , had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy is amazed.. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

'Because he's such a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy'

Edited February 2, 2009 by 420n620
opps I did it again -- lol

[djlotus]

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

 

that shit was funny

[Llittle_Llama]

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

 

meh

[a.d._510_n_ok]

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.

 

The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster."

 

The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?"

 

The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs."

 

The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take Brewster over there... he'll do all your chickens for you." The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily.

 

The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow."

 

The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll do all your chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine."

 

Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold." He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck.

 

As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and another...

 

The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You're going to hurt yourself!"

 

Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs after the dog, and does him too.

 

The farmer is starting to get a little worried.

 

Brewster then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife!

 

Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere. He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless, with a flock of vultures circling overhead.

 

The farmer cries out to himself, "Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look what's happened."

 

Brewster opens one eye and whispers,

"Shut up g*ddamit! They're about to land."

[Llittle_Llama]

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.

 

The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster."

 

The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?"

 

The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs."

 

The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take Brewster over there... he'll do all your chickens for you." The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily.

 

The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow."

 

The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll do all your chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine."

 

Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold." He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck.

 

As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and another...

 

The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You're going to hurt yourself!"

 

Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs after the dog, and does him too.

 

The farmer is starting to get a little worried.

 

Brewster then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife!

 

Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere. He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless, with a flock of vultures circling overhead.

 

The farmer cries out to himself, "Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look what's happened."

 

Brewster opens one eye and whispers,

"Shut up g*ddamit! They're about to land."

 

 

damn thats a good one, have not heard that in at LEAST 6 years :D good job man! ;)

[DatDoug]

Wife wakes up in the morninig and is looking at herseldf in the mirror. She does not like what she sees and is very upset. She goes in and wakes up her husband and says " honey I was looking in the mirror and I think I look terrible. Can you please say something positive about me and make me feel better" Husband says " well, i'd have to say u have perfect eye site":lol:

 

thats how the fite started:fu:

 

 

 

Blonde asks her girlfriend, "how many calories do you think is in cum"?

 

Girlfriend replies "if your sucking that much dick I dont think anyone will mind if you are a little chubby":lol:

[Jester]

Why do women have flowers on thier panties?

 

 

 

 

To honor all the faces that have been burried there.

[bonvo]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

 

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

 

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

 

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

 

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

 

And that's how the fight started

[bonvo]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a

 

 

 

White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

 

 

 

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

 

 

 

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',

 

 

 

says the Genie.

 

 

 

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

 

 

 

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

 

 

 

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians

 

 

 

can come into our precious land..'

 

 

 

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

 

 

 

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.

 

 

 

Please tell me more about this wall.'

 

 

 

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;

 

 

 

it's virtually impenetrable.'

 

 

 

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,

 

 

 

smiles and says,

 

 

 

'Fill it with water.'

[Z-train]

http://www.biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Relationship/womendontunderstand.html

[Jester]

:lol::lol: Fill it with water. :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Bleach]

Fill it with piranhas!

 

[datto510]

What is the first sign that you might have AIDS?

..

...

....

.....

.......A dull thumping in the ass!

Edited February 4, 2009 by datto510

[Llittle_Llama]

what is the first sign that you might have aids?

..

...

....

.....

.......a dull thumping in your the ass!

 

hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha

[Z-train]

Fascinating.......

 

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants"

and add a few more letters,it spells out:

 

'Fuck off and go home you benefit grabbing, kid producing,

violent, Spanish speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal

wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, mutton eating, smelly rag head bastards

with you.'

 

How weird is that??

[fastdadd]

Q:How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!!

.....And do you know WHY? because no one else in this fuck'n house knows HOW to change a fuck'n light bulb! They don't even know that the fuck'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE fuck'n DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the fuck'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would

STILL BE IN THE SAME fuck'n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO FUCKER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE FUCK'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCK'N HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE FUCK'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

[fastdadd]

a man goes into the dentists office to get a tooth pulled. the dentist comes in with a needle, and the man say " sorry i don't do needles" the dentist then grabs the laughing gas, the man say " sorry i'm clausterphobic" , the dentist then says " i'll be right back", comes back with a pill. the man asks "whats that", viagra the dentist replies. i didn't know viagra would help ease the pain, says the man. "it won't but it'll give you something to hold on to while i'm yankin that tooth out"!

[fastdadd]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'

Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.

Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

 

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'

Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.

Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.

 

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.

Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie ?'

The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.

The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'.

Grandma made these for me.

[fastdadd]

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whisky, and drinks them down one after the other. The bartender ask's, " what's up?"

He replies, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob."

Bartender says "Congratulations, let me pour you another."

We replies, "No thanks, if 6 shots couldn't take the taste out my mouth, the seventh ain't gonna help."

[fastdadd]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

 

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)

 

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition."

 

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

 

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand, along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said:

 

"Paint my house."

[hughdogz]

Q: What is "Heck"?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A: It's the place that people go to when they don't believe in "Gosh" :rolleyes:

[hughdogz]

Okay, that last one was lame, so to recoup my integrity, this one is much better:

 

Did you hear about the kid that was born without eyelids? They ended up grafting his foreskin to his eyes...he's fine now except for the fact that he is totally Cock-eyed :lol:

[Z-train]

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself

'Will I live to be 80?'

 

I recently chose a new primary care

physician.

 

After two visits and exhaustive lab

tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

 

A little concerned about that comment, I

couldn't resist asking him, 'Do

you think I'll live to be 80?'

 

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink

alcoholic beverages?'

 

'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs,

either..'

 

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye

steaks and barbecued ribs?'

 

I said, 'No, my other doctor said that

all red meat is unhealthy!'

 

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,

like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?'

 

'No, I don't,' I said.

 

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast

cars, ride horses or have a lot of sex?'

 

'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those

things.

 

Then he looked at me and asked.....

 

 

 

"then why do you give a shit?".'