joke's you know you got them

[Blitz]

Ha, I remember those. I think there was a whole site for that, and Mr. T.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

A blind man was walking down the street when he happend to bump into Chuck Norris. Offended, Chuck Norris exclaimed, "Do you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" With those words, the man's blindness was cured. But the first, only, and last thing he saw was Chuck Norris' fist coming at him.

Chuck Norris has actually been dead for quite some time, but Death has been too afraid to come collect him.

[fastdadd]

the only thing more bad ass then chuck norris is a datsun

[D@tsuks]

:lol:Whats brown and you can expect to see in a baby's diaper?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MICHAEL JACKSONS HAND. WAKA WAKA WAKA

[420n620]

I-90 will be closed tomorrow across South Dakota.

They are hauling a 200 ton lump of coal so they can add Obama to Mount Rushmore.....they couldn't find a 200 ton piece of shit.

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

Oh boy holding my tounge on the joke the gov , may be peeping!!! :angry:

[nismo dr]

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

--Jay Leno

 

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

--Jay Leno

 

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?

A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

--Conan O'Brien

 

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?

A: A fund raiser.

--Jay Leno

 

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?

A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

--David Letterman

 

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?

A: America !

--Jimmy Fallon

 

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?

A: Bo has papers.

--Jimmy Kimmel

 

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?

A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

--David Letterman

[Guest kamakazi620]

I-90 will be closed tomorrow across South Dakota.

They are hauling a 200 ton lump of coal so they can add Obama to Mount Rushmore.....they couldn't find a 200 ton piece of shit.

Actually they DID find a POS that big,only problem was it had dried up,turned white and Stopped Stinking!!

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope to ask for a favour.

 

The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily Chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I cannot change the words."

 

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

 

"Listen your Excellency, I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our Daily chicken.'"

 

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The Church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel Gives up again.

 

After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate.

 

"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." "Let me get back to you!" says the Pope.

 

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The Good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

 

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

[ariascarlos1990]

 

joke's you know you got them

 

 

Woman's rights.

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

Woman's rights.

 

politics :lol:

the biggest joke of all ;) :lol:

[Str8_69]

Woman's rights.

 

:blink:

 

Which one?

 

 

 

politics :lol: the biggest joke of all ;) :lol:

 

 

'Specially Obamanomics.

[INDY510]

So this guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I bet you $50 I can piss in a shot glass without getting a single drop on the bar counter."

 

 

the bartender says, "Fuck dude... .. I'll give you $100 if you can"

 

 

The guy gets up on the bar counter,,, ,,, and carefully places the shot glass on a napkin

 

 

 

 

 

He stands up strait,, and just starts pissing all over the bar,,, ........ and hardly gets any in the shot glass

 

 

 

 

He hands the bartender $50,,, ,,, and says, "I bet that guy outside $200 I could piss all over your bar without getting kicked out"

[INDY510]

So a Grizzly bear is taking a shit in the woods....

 

 

 

and a bunny rabbit hops by....

 

 

 

The bear asks, "Do you have the same problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

 

 

the bunny says, "No.."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The bear picks up the bunny and wipes his ass

[Str8_69]

So this guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I bet you $50 I can piss in a shot glass without getting a single drop on the bar counter."

 

 

the bartender says, "Fuck dude... .. I'll give you $100 if you can"

 

 

The guy gets up on the bar counter,,, ,,, and carefully places the shot glass on a napkin

 

 

 

 

 

He stands up strait,, and just starts pissing all over the bar,,, ........ and hardly gets any in the shot glass

 

 

 

 

He hands the bartender $50,,, ,,, and says, "I bet that guy outside $200 I could piss all over your bar without getting kicked out"

 

 

:lol: Quentin Tarantino told that joke the best in Desperado... the look on Cheech's face was priceless!

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

So this guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I bet you $50 I can piss in a shot glass without getting a single drop on the bar counter."

 

 

the bartender says, "Fuck dude... .. I'll give you $100 if you can"

 

 

The guy gets up on the bar counter,,, ,,, and carefully places the shot glass on a napkin

 

 

 

 

 

He stands up strait,, and just starts pissing all over the bar,,, ........ and hardly gets any in the shot glass

 

 

 

 

He hands the bartender $50,,, ,,, and says, "I bet that guy outside $200 I could piss all over your bar without getting kicked out"

 

 

Thats a written rule in Canadian bars, (piss all over without getting the boot) :lol:

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

So a Grizzly bear is taking a shit in the woods....

 

 

 

and a bunny rabbit hops by....

 

 

 

The bear asks, "Do you have the same problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

 

 

the bunny says, "No.."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The bear picks up the bunny and wipes his ass

 

 

 

Want some real bear cake pics from where I am :lol:

 

got some in front of a car,and on my neighbors sidewalk(the fucking bear broke my fence :o )

[INDY510]

That bear is about to....

 

 

 

 

 

 

he's about to....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

About to what?

 

Hellaflush :lol: :unsure:

[420n620]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

 

He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

 

"Did you help him?" she asks.

 

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "

 

Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

 

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

 

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

 

"Yes," comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

[Skib]

Woman's rights.

:blink:

 

Which one?

 

 

theres more than one?

 

 

 

 

 

 

the end.

[420n620]

Well, my neighbor lost the Trivia Contest at the church pot luck dinner last night.

 

Not only did he get the last question wrong but was immediately ask to leave.

 

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

 

--------------------

 

The correct answer was: "Fiji Islands."

[Pumpkn210]

A panda walks into a bar, he sits down orders some food. He takes his time eating, and when he gets done eating, pulls out a gun and shoots up the place. He then proceeds to walk out, the barkeep yells "Hey whats the matter with you?" The bear says "Im a Panda, look it up" Pissed off the barkeep looks up the word panda and the definition says "Eats shoots and leafs!"

 

Ha Ha Ha

[420n620]

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar,

drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life

without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College

and sign up for some classes.'

 

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

 

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of

Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and

Logic.

 

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

 

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

 

'Yeah.'

 

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you

would have a yard.'

 

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

 

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think

logically that you would have a house.'

 

'Yes, I do have a house.'

 

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a

family.'

 

'Yes, I have a family.

 

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must

have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a

heterosexual....’

 

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of

that because I have a weed eater.'

 

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves

to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed

up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

 

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'

 

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

 

'No.'

 

'Then you're a queer.'

[Str8_69]

theres more than one?

 

 

 

 

 

the end.

 

 

 

:rofl: :rofl:

[420n620]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

 

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

 

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

 

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

 

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

 

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

 

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

 

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

 

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

 

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

 

The computer prints the following:

 

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Costco!