420n620 Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new bride, "Honey, I'll be right back...""Where are you going coochi cooh...?" asks his wife."I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." replies the husband.The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love...?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries.The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: "Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar ... you know ... the frozen glass."He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face...?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it.The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll. But at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?""You want hoer's de devours poochi pooh..?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours ... chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc."But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." replies the husband in desparation."You want dirty words cutie pie...? HERE! DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HOER'S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ASSHOLE! 4 Quote Link to comment
Sudo Posted January 17, 2013 Report Share Posted January 17, 2013 What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nuthin'. You already told the bitch twice! :devil: ...goin to hell.... Quote Link to comment
fastdadd Posted January 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2013 a man was eating breakfast with his 13-year-old granddaughter and asked her, "What day is the 20th of February?"She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid.he asked "What does President's Day mean?" waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment." 5 Quote Link to comment
420n620 Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?" "You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?" "Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match." 'Match? Never heard of it." "Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants." "Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam." "Well, why not?" "I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ^_^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need athome? Joey says "A computer." The teacher replies, "That would be very useful." Kimmy says "A new lawn mower." and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says "At my house we don't need nothing!" The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies, "No I am really sure. When Obama was re-elected, Iremember my dad saying, that's the last fucking thing we needed." 1 Quote Link to comment
Dat Lurka Posted January 21, 2013 Report Share Posted January 21, 2013 BEFORE MARRIAGE.....HE: Yes. At last! It was so hard to wait.SHE: Do you want me to leave?HE: No! Don't even think about it!SHE: Do you love me?HE: Of course! Over and over.SHE: Have you ever cheated on me?HE: No! Why are you even asking?SHE: Will you kiss me?HE:Every chance I get.SHE: Will you hit me?HE: Are you crazy? I am not that kind of person.SHE: Can I trust you?HE: YesSHE: Darling!...............AFTER MARRIAGESIMPLY READ FROM BOTTOM TO TOP The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’. 2 Quote Link to comment
420n620 Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,' 'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet! How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?' Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!! Quote Link to comment
TENDRIL Posted January 22, 2013 Report Share Posted January 22, 2013 What do Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor have in common.... One did it for Pepsi and one did it for coke... :) Quote Link to comment
graveltrapp Posted January 25, 2013 Report Share Posted January 25, 2013 I am not usually a joke telling kind of guy, (short term memory loss) but my dad sent this my way and it got a chuckle out of me. All the guys were at a hunting camp. No one wanted to room with Jim, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Jim and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Jim snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Jim shakes the roof with his snoring. Couldn't sleep, so I also watched him all night." The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy from eastern Montana, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Jim into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Jim sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom. 2 Quote Link to comment
graveltrapp Posted January 25, 2013 Report Share Posted January 25, 2013 At a Freshmen orientation: The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?" 1 Quote Link to comment
bananahamuck Posted January 26, 2013 Report Share Posted January 26, 2013 I have spent years looking for my wifes killer.. apparently nobody wants to do it 2 Quote Link to comment
graveltrapp Posted January 26, 2013 Report Share Posted January 26, 2013 Comparative ReligionCATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square .The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him'Your Grace'."The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says'Your Eminence'."The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.. When he walks into a room people call him'Your Holiness'."Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, I have a daughter,SLIM & TALL40 D Breasts24" WAIST and34" HIPS When she walks into a room, people say, “ Oh MY God” Quote Link to comment
thisismatt Posted January 26, 2013 Report Share Posted January 26, 2013 She's not slim if she has a 40" band size... Quote Link to comment
K_trip Posted January 28, 2013 Report Share Posted January 28, 2013 - removed - 3 Quote Link to comment
Guest 510kamikazifreak Posted January 29, 2013 Report Share Posted January 29, 2013 A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman wavingat him.She says "Hello!". He's rather taken back because he can't placewhere he knows her from.So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'Ithink you're the father of one of my kids.'Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watchingwhile your partner whipped my butt with wet celery? She looks into his eyes, and says calmly No, I'm your son's teacher. 2 Quote Link to comment
I'm BLUE Posted January 29, 2013 Report Share Posted January 29, 2013 A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman wavingat him. She says "Hello!". He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watchingwhile your partner whipped my butt with wet celery? She looks into his eyes, and says calmly No, I'm your son's teacher. :rofl: ! Quote Link to comment
SandyMush620 Posted January 29, 2013 Report Share Posted January 29, 2013 A blonde tells the woman behind the counter, "I'm here to see the doctor," to which the woman replies, "Ma'am, this is a library." "Oh, sorry," says the blonde. Then, leaning closer, she whispers quietly, "I'm here to see the doctor." Quote Link to comment
fastdadd Posted February 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 why did cavemen drag there women by the hair......because dragging by the leg just fills them with dirt 1 Quote Link to comment
K_trip Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 - removed - 4 Quote Link to comment
K_trip Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 - removed - 1 Quote Link to comment
K_trip Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 - removed - Quote Link to comment
nismo dr Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 sex jokes aren't funny.........I mean cum on people 1 Quote Link to comment
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