joke's you know you got them

[Str8_69]

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can't jelly my dick in your ass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Z-train]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

 

 

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

 

 

 

The father asks his son what he did that day.

 

 

 

The son says, "I did some school work."

 

 

 

The robot slaps the son.

 

 

 

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

 

 

 

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?" Son says, "Toy Story."

 

 

 

The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

 

 

 

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

 

 

 

The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son."

 

 

 

The robot slaps the mother.

 

End of Story

 

P.S. Robot For Sale

[K_trip]

- removed -

[Z-train]

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Minneapolis were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowplows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park......." Then the power went off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.

Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

[kingston250]

"A short walk is so Difficult
when no one walks with u.
But a long Journey is just like a few steps when
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A street Dog chases u.

[robopineapple]

what do you get when you cross a owl with a bungee cord?

 

 

 

 

my ass

[420n620]

:confused:

 

so you got a owl w/ a bungee cord up ur ass ? I don't get it, thank god  :rofl:

 

it's to fukn early to put that image in my mind. 

 

In a small town in alabama, joe bob decides it's time for his cousin, 19 year-old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. joe bob introduces Billy bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.

The madam says, "joe bob you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally" So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs, the madam says "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later, joe bob and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a littly shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?" "Yes ma'am" the boy stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em"

[Rhapakatui]

what do you get when you cross a owl with a bungee cord?

 

 

 

 

my ass

It's stretchy and occasionally goes "hooo".

 

 

[robopineapple]

Thank god for the evil betty giff xD

[Z chopper]

ever why the American military have stars on thier uniforms?? Haven't they heard the saying "shoot for the stars"

[Z-train]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gXOV_XWJck

[Burabuda]

[420n620]

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

[r0p0doe]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man who kept swinging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

 

I asked her,"Do you know him?"

 

"Yes",she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

 

"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

And then the fight started...

[K_trip]

- removed -

[OkieRA29]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gXOV_XWJck

 

 

Did anybody notice the background at about 1:40 in?  Only in LA...

[a.d._510_n_ok]

a boy goes to the local whore house for his first time.

 

he picks out a prostitute.

 

she asks him if he has any experience.

 

he says, "no" and she tells him to come back when he has some experience.

 

he goes home to his dad and tells him he needs some experience.

 

dad takes him to a tree stump with a knot hole in it and says, "here ya go......"

 

two weeks later he goes back to the whore house and finds the same whore.

 

she asks if he has experience.

 

he says, "yep. got lots of it and I like it doggy-style".

 

she says, "okay", strips down, gets on her hands and knees and puts her ass in the air.

 

all of sudden the little boy starts beating her bare ass with a 2x4.

 

she jumps off the bed, cradling her stinging ass and saying,

 

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?! WHY ARE YOU BEATING MY ASS!?!"

 

The confused little boy looks at her, shrugs and says,

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

".......I was just checkin' for bumblebees..............."

[Z chopper]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you b...ut I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

[Burabuda]

[Z chopper]

HOW TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE A NORMAL PERSON

 

1. You have Facebook.

2.You have a cell phone.

4.You're wasting yourtime reading this.

5.You didn't notice there is no number 3.

7. You just checked to see if there is no number 3.

8.Where is number 6, idiot? :P

9.You're now smiling because you know you're an idiot.

10.Where is number 1?

11.You believed me and went to check. :rofl:

12.You're not normal at all. :sneaky:

[Z-train]

You've Been Drinking Again

 

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his

face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air

and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.

So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.

Again, he fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to

stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright,

but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep

as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

He was awakened the next morning

to his wife standing over him, shouting,

"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

 

Putting on an innocent look,

and intent on bluffing it out he said,

"What makes you say that?"

 

"The pub just called;

you left your wheelchair there again

[Burabuda]

 

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.  The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" 

 

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

 

Ms. Brooks had enough.  She took Harry to the principal's office. 

 

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.  If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.  She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. 

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

 

Harry: "9."

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

 

Harry: "36."

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. 

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."

 

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

 

 

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

 

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

 

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

 

 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! 

 

 

Harry replied: "Pockets."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" 

 

Harry: "Pants."

 

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. 

 

 

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

 

Harry: "Shake hands."

 

 

The principal was trembling. 

 

 

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

 

Harry: "Firetruck."

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the 

teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "

[Burabuda]

[Dat Lurka]

 

:rofl:

STOP

 

It hurts :D

[K_trip]

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