joke's you know you got them

[Z-train]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

 

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

 

I love you!"

 

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,

 

"Am sitting on the toilet. Please advise."

[Ratwagon1600]

Why did the Jews like Auschwitz?

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Free haircuts.

[Juniper11]

A guy calls the local car dealership looking for a car...

 

He reaches one of the salesmen and begins to describe what it is he's looking for.

 

 

GUY  "It will be my daily driver. So I want it to be reliable..."

 

SALESMAN "Of course you do! and your in luck cause we've got lots of reliable vehicles!"

 

GUY "I also am on a budget, something affordable and durable would be great..."

 

SALESMAN "Well for an honest guy like you, I'm sure we can arrange a payment plan to fit any budget!!"

 

GUY "Ok well...  I also need the car by next Wednesday. Whaddya think??"

 

SALESMAN "Next Wednesday?!! DAT SOON?!"

[420n620]

A Redneck walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The Redneck says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the good ole boy comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

[Z-train]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

 

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

 

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman,Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile

air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

 

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

 

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

 

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

 

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

 

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

 

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

 

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

 

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

 

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

 

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max... on the controls.

[fastdadd]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. 
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' 
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. 
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Guest_kamakazi620]

Ratsun...............................yeah that's the joke....

[Busta Nut]

What do you call the female version of a cock block??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A beaver dam.

[Z-train]

 

 

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

 

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

 

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

 

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

 

 

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

 

The next day the grandmother died.

 

 

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

 

He practically went into shock!!! He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

 

 

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

 

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

 

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me........

 

"This morning my golf pro instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.

[K_trip]

- removed -

[420n620]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck," as he says to himself. I really need a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, What's the name of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not Into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, " I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the Bar calls his Snickers, because it really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he'll give him a second to think it over.

The cowboy turns to the man drinking a beer and sitting to his left and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and asks, "So, What do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One. "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink.

Even more shaken by all this the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a damn beer."

The bartender brings a beer and as he begins to pour it he turns to the cowboy with a puzzled look and asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

[fastdadd]

marriage is like a card game you start with two hearts and a diamond and by the time its over your looking for a club and a spade..

[Guest roseyroseyrose]

so, i made up this joke a few years ago, while i was doing dishes.....it just kinda struck me....i did a search online for it, and couldnt find it anywhere, so i know i was the first one to come up with it.....ive told it to a few people, but this is the first time im publishing it....maybe you wont think its funny, but i couldnt stop laughing when i thought of it, and i had a hard time telling my best friend on the phone a few minutes after i thought it up.....here goes:

 

why is a foreskin like a fat chick?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

......more to love :thumbup:

 

 

what do you think? is it good?

[Guest roseyroseyrose]

is this thing on? testing, testing....lulz

[Z-train]

Rose-what are those little bumps around your nipples for?

[Guest roseyroseyrose]

ztrain- a more important question is: what are those bumps on your lil penis? and why dont you get that taken care of?

 

but truly, the most important question is, why didnt anyone like my joke? i thought it was hilarious..... :thumbup:

[Z-train]

No bumps here.Did you seriously expect a reply to that?

[Guest roseyroseyrose]

i got one didnt i? heh

oh and heres a little help for you, since you obviously have a limited amount of experience with breasts.....

Bumps on areola

If you worry about those 'funny bumps' on the areola, those are supposed to be there; they are called Montgomery glands or areolar skin glands. Their function is partially unknown, but scientists suppose they secrete a liquid that lubricates the nipple/areola area.

These Montgomery glands can be about unnoticeable, OR stand out as bumps on the areola. They often become more prominent during pregnancy. Also, it appears they are white in some women.

In one study, it was noted that women with more areolar glands had better or more optimal breastfeeding start after delivery. They also noted that the glands were seen in virtually all women in the study but with great interindividual variations

 

you might wanna read a book or something, once in awhile, or maybe try charm school, so you can get some real life experience with tits, dude......

 

woops, i forgot to include this link, so you can make your way through this post somehow:

http://dictionary.reference.com/

[Z-train]

Actually,the punch line is:They're braille for "lick here".But thanks for attempting to play.

[Guest roseyroseyrose]

in this case, theyre braille for fuck off.....

[Z-train]

in this case, theyre braille for fuck off.....

WHy so pissy?

[Jennifer]

Have you ever heard of the movie constipation?

 

 

 

Because it never came out

[K_trip]

- removed -

[Z-train]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm5JGX2or-s

[Z-train]

The Nun - brilliant

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

 

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

 

After the MP's ran off, the soldier

crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough

Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ..'

 

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

 

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

 

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!