joke's you know you got them

[tr8er]

It's not environmentally or economically friendly.

 

 

Like my B210GX

But it'll smoke a B210 at the drag strip!

[Ratwagon1600]

A waitress in a diner walked up to a mother and her son, age approximately eight, and asked what they’d like.

 

Boy “I want to devour the unborn!”

 

Silence…silence as this was delivered in the voice only an eight year old male has the ability to produce, high, clear and authoritative. The entire place went silent.

 

The mother, looking up at the waitress with utter humiliation quietly stated “Eggs. He wants eggs.”

[TENDRIL]

lol who the fuck is this^^^^ guy?? 

[Ratwagon1600]

 

A bloke pushes his Datsun into a service station. He tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

 

The owner says, "What's the story?"

 

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

 

"oh," says the owner "How often do I need to do that?"

[Z-train]

A blonde pushes her Datsun into a service station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

 

The blonde says, "What's the story?"

 

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

 

"oh," she says- "How often do I need to do that?"

Fixed it for you.

[a.d._510_n_ok]

a dentally challenged termite walks into a saloon and asks:

 

"Where is the bar tender?".

[Eomund]

How do you pick an Irishman out of the crowd?

 

 

 

He's the one who can't pass up the bad joke.

 

 

As an Irishman, I can verify this :)

[Ratwagon1600]

Workshop tools properly explained.

 

 

 

It's been a while since I've seen this one, and I thought this thread could use it....

 

Here goes:

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,

and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle

of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over

tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector

magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

 

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

[JoeCool]

You forgot the DAMMIT tool. Whatever tool is closest to you when bust your knuckles and gets thrown across the yard or shop.

Also the 1/4 DRIVE SOCKET. The tool that is known for jumping off your ratchet and is an expert at hide and seek. Finding it's way into floor drains, the deepest crevice in the car behind the dashboard, or the small drainage hole in your chassis frame.

And the magnetic parts tray. The thing you stick on the frame of a vehicle to forget until the next time you service the vehicle.

['70dime]

Whats Irish and sits outside?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paddy O'Furniture

[Z-train]

Did you hear about the Irish sniper?

 

 

Rick O'Shea.

[Ratwagon1600]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if

she got three wishes.

 

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a

one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

 

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See

this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I

want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will

bring about world peace and harmony."

 

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These

countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after

being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I

don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

 

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to

find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to

cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with

my family, doesn't want to work on his Datsun all the time, and is faithful. That is what

I wish for...a good man."

 

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

[Ratwagon1600]

Got caught sniffing my best friends sister's underpants yesterday.

 

Wouldn't have been so bad but she was wearing them at the time.

 

He went nuts!

 

Made the rest of her funeral awkward, too.

[Ratwagon1600]

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget !!

 

Furious she screams, "you promised you wouldn't cheat again" !!!!

 

The husband replies, "for fucks sake, Cant you see I'm trying to cut down".......

[Ratwagon1600]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

 

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

 

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

[Burabuda]

 

[DaBlist]

Do my bumpers look fat in this tarp? Be honest

 

 

[russaroll]

Doctor, I can't stop singing "What's New Pussycat."

 

 

Sounds like you have Tom Jones disease.

 

 

Is it rare?

 

 

It's not unusual.

[Burabuda]

[mrmark]

Two old ladies meet in Heaven...

 

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

 

 

[Z chopper]

[Chuck Most]

What's the best part about having sex with a transvestite?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

 

 

 

 

[Chuck Most]

I was watching a movie with my six year old nephew. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

During one part he looked at me and said, "I'm scared, is that girl going to die?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I said "Judging by the size of that horse's cock....  probably."

[Chuck Most]

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and 50 government workers in the same building together?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

100 people who don't do dick.

[Chuck Most]

What's the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Having to go inside and ask if they have a coat hanger.