Chuck Most Posted October 16, 2014 Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Hand her a tampon and ask her what period it's from. 4 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted October 16, 2014 Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 What's the true meaning of "white power"? Two Klansmen pushing a broken down pickup. 2 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted October 16, 2014 Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 Ebola causes headaches, nausea, and is nearly impossible to get rid of once you get it. So.... Are they saying it's a virus, or a Nickelback album? 2 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted October 16, 2014 Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 Two hillbillies were sitting on their porch, chewing tobacco and plucking their banjos, when a car sputtered to a stop in front of their shack. A beautiful young woman got out and opened the hood, a giant puff of steam came out. The two hillbillies went over to see if she needed help. The woman graciously accepted, and the two hillbillies looked at her car. They determined the car had blown a radiator hose, and they wouldn't be able to fix it until the next day. They offered to let her stay the night with them, again, the beautiful young woman accepted their offer. That night, the young woman told the two hillbillies that she didn't have enough money to pay for the car repair or her bed for the night... but she'd gladly pay the two in other ways. The two hillbillies, never having been with a woman before, were nervous, but obviously open to the offer. "But, before I show you two the ways of the world", the woman said, she took out two condoms and said "Put these on, I don't want to get pregnant." She spends the night performing practically every sexual act imaginable on the two hillbillies... and of course they dutifully kept the condoms on at all times. The next morning, the hillbillies got a new radiator hose, fixed the car, and sent the young lady on her way. Ten years later, the two hillbillies were sitting on their porch, chewing tobacco, and plucking their banjos, when one said. "Hey, Cletus? Remember that pretty young lady who's car broke down about ten years ago?" "The one who showed us the ways of the world, Jimmy Bob?" "Yep, that's the one." "You care if she gets pregnant?" "Naw, reckon I don't." "Me neither. Let's take these damned things off." 1 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted October 16, 2014 Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 A lawyer opened the door of his car when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off its hinges and knocking the lawer to the ground. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious Lexus. "Officer, look what they've done to my beautiful Lexi!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid Lexus, that you didn't even notice that your left arm is ripped off!!!" "Oh, shit ....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bleeding stump where his left arm used to be, "Where's my Rolex? 1 Quote Link to comment
nismo dr Posted October 24, 2014 Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 plateaus..... the highest form of flattery Quote Link to comment
tr8er Posted October 24, 2014 Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 How do you get a fat chick in bed? Piece of cake. Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted October 24, 2014 Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Went to the secretary of state today.... ... I was seated next to a hot young Asian chick... ... I kept thinking "Don't get an erection... don't get an erection..." ...but she did... 2 Quote Link to comment
paradime Posted October 24, 2014 Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 If a duck goes Quack Quack and a chicken goes Cockadoodle doooo What bird keeps a girl from getting pregnent? A couple of swallows. 1 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted October 24, 2014 Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Want to hear a joke? General Motors quality control. 1 Quote Link to comment
tr8er Posted October 24, 2014 Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 *Swallows Definitely my favorite bird. Quote Link to comment
tr8er Posted October 24, 2014 Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Want to hear a joke? General Motors quality control. That would be "read". 1 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted October 24, 2014 Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Technicalities... :rofl: Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted October 25, 2014 Report Share Posted October 25, 2014 My first car was a lot like chlamydia. I didn't want it, but Grandma gave it to me anyway. Quote Link to comment
Z chopper Posted October 25, 2014 Report Share Posted October 25, 2014 how does a blond turn on the lights after sex? opens the car door. unless of course it's a datsun then who knows if the door will open and if it does if the light will turn on. Quote Link to comment
JoeCool Posted October 26, 2014 Report Share Posted October 26, 2014 how does a blond turn on the lights after sex? opens the car door. unless of course it's a datsun then who knows if the door will open and if it does if the light will turn on. If it's the passenger side on my truck then it will come on, not the driver side, that would be too convenient for me! Quote Link to comment
paradime Posted October 26, 2014 Report Share Posted October 26, 2014 Farmer comes home tanked with a sheep under his arm, goes up to bedroom where his wife is sleeping. He flips the light on and says "You see hunny, this is the pig I've been sleeping with". His wife rolls over and says, "You stupid bastard, that's a sheep dip shit". Farmer replies "Shut up sow, I was talking too the sheep". 4 Quote Link to comment
paradime Posted October 26, 2014 Report Share Posted October 26, 2014 For spring break back in the 50s, a group of friends plan on meeting up in the square of a small town in Mexico at 2:pm sharp. The first car gets there, but no one in the group has a watch. They look around and see a guy sitting next to his donkey. One guy is elected to go ask him what time it is, so he walks over, taps him on the shoulder and says "Kay hour-a senior". The old man looks up, reaches under his donkey, lifts his ball and says "Es about 1:30". WTF The guy runs back to his buddies "Holy Shit, that guy can tell time with his donkey's balls!". They all go back and ask him the time again. He looks up grabs the balls and says "Es about 1:40." All of them are amazed and ask how he does it, and he replies "Es easy, you grab da donkey's ball, lift dem up, and you see da clock over there". Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted October 27, 2014 Report Share Posted October 27, 2014 What's the difference between.... ...a Datsun 510... ... and five dead hookers? I don't have a Datsun 510 in my garage. 3 Quote Link to comment
DotSoon Posted October 27, 2014 Report Share Posted October 27, 2014 chuck norris once flushed a used condom down the toilet...... four days later the ninja turtles were born. 1 Quote Link to comment
DaBlist Posted October 27, 2014 Report Share Posted October 27, 2014 Grandpa tried to convince me that using Pertronix was pointless 3 Quote Link to comment
paradime Posted October 27, 2014 Report Share Posted October 27, 2014 What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? One has the pricks on the outside. 2 Quote Link to comment
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