Chuck Most Posted December 26, 2014 Report Share Posted December 26, 2014 Stephen Hawking went out on a date for the first time in decades. When he came back, he had a black eye, a chipped tooth, and several scrapes, cuts, and bruises. Apparently, she'd stood him up. 5 Quote Link to comment
Cpl620 Posted December 30, 2014 Report Share Posted December 30, 2014 So these 3 construction workers are sitting down for lunch on the top end skyscraper being built.The first guy takes a look in his lunch and finds some BBQ chicken and beans. he turns and mutters to the other two as he bites into his chicken, "if that bitch packs me one more piece of chicken, im just going to jump."so the second guy opens his lunch and find a bowl of white rice and some beef. he shuts his box cracks open a beer and says, "damn that woman. If i get any more god damn rice and beef im gonna end it all."so the third guy opens his lunch. he find a hot dog and throws it off the building. he looks at the other two and says "if i get one more fuckin hot dog, im gonna kill my self."So the next day comes around...the first guy sits down, opens his lunch, looks inside, closes it, says "fucking cunt..." then stands up and pulls the Jesus Christ pose down to his death.the next guy opens his lunch. he takes out his rice and beef, and calmly sits there and eats it all. then he puts away his trash, stand up , waves to the third guy and dives head long to the ground.so finally the third guy gets to his lunch. looks inside and raves "I cant freakin believe it, i even told her..." kicks his lunch off and dives down after it.So the funeral comes around and all three wives are up at the front crying into the portraits of their husbands...the first wife is sobbing "i should of never packed him chicken again..."the second wife is sitting there just apologizing to the portrait...and the third wife and sitting there crying, then turns to the other two and says, "...but he makes his own lunch..." 2 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted January 1, 2015 Report Share Posted January 1, 2015 As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection. "Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," said the vet. ***** My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'cunt.' I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name. **** A slut is essentially a prostitute who does a lot of charity work. 2 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 A penguin is driving through Arizona,when he notices the oil pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first service station. After dropping the car off,the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and,being a penguin in Arizona,decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands,he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream,he goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No, no..." the penguin replies,wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream." 2 Quote Link to comment
shacks510 Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 California laws 3 Quote Link to comment
Z-train Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 California laws Quote Link to comment
JoeCool Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 California laws More like THIS... Quote Link to comment
JoeCool Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Right to work, aka right to be screwed by the employer states. 1 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted January 3, 2015 Report Share Posted January 3, 2015 Had sex with my best friend's wife last night, and now I feel terrible. She must have had the flu or something. 3 Quote Link to comment
mrmark Posted January 4, 2015 Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 http://youtu.be/epjrWjo9ZMY reminds me of this classic! 1 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted January 4, 2015 Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar tonight. Mostly because I walked there. Quote Link to comment
DaBlist Posted January 5, 2015 Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 Don't know if this is real but funny now days it it was Quote Link to comment
Z-train Posted January 5, 2015 Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 That's hysterical 1 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted January 5, 2015 Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 "Increased car value" in the short term. Now guys would say "you did WHAT to a split window?" 2 Quote Link to comment
fastdadd Posted January 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2015 i went and had a prostate exam. i dont know who felt more awkward.....me or my dentist 2 Quote Link to comment
paradime Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 If pro is positive and con is negative, what's the opposite of progress? 5 Quote Link to comment
Dolomite Posted January 10, 2015 Report Share Posted January 10, 2015 What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina. Rihanna got passed off at Chris Brown for cheating on her. Turns out she found another womans lipstick on his knuckles. 2 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted February 1, 2015 Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Jesus, Hitler, and Jeffrey Dahmer walk into a bar... ....wait, fuck. Jesus is boarded up, Hitler is in pieces scattered all over the floor, and Dahmer had a lethal overdose. Insensitive bastards, ruining my joke... Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted February 4, 2015 Report Share Posted February 4, 2015 Two guys were at a bar, where they'd been slamming them back for the last few hours. They were both lit up like Christmas when one of them noticed a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other- "Wow, I'd really like to dance with her." The other man says- "Well, don't be a pussy- go over there and ask her!" So the man went over to the woman and asked- "Excuse me, would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Noticing that the man was drunk out of his mind, the woman decided to decline, but wanted to do it politely as possible. So she said- "I'm sorry, but right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I would rather sit than dance." So the man returned to his friend, who immediately asks- "So... what did she say?" With a confused look on his face, the man responded- "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants." 1 Quote Link to comment
Chuck Most Posted February 9, 2015 Report Share Posted February 9, 2015 I feel really bad for my grandmother. She's 95 years old. And over the last few years, her joints have gotten really bad. I keep on telling her to get a bong, but she just won't listen. Quote Link to comment
paradime Posted February 11, 2015 Report Share Posted February 11, 2015 There's no time like the present, but I'm never there to take advantage of it. Quote Link to comment
tr8er Posted February 11, 2015 Report Share Posted February 11, 2015 I feel really bad for my grandmother. She's 95 years old. And over the last few years, her joints have gotten really bad. I keep on telling her to get a bong, but she just won't listen. She's old school and knows what's up. Where's the joke ? This is a joke thread. Quote Link to comment
RatVonDude Posted February 11, 2015 Report Share Posted February 11, 2015 Beautifully Restored Westfalia - $45000 (dublin / pleasanton / livermore) 1 Quote Link to comment
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