joke's you know you got them

[DaBlist]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[MicroMachinery]

That works. Try it.

[VFR800]

Jenny Craig for men..

A Bloke calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5 kgs weight loss programme.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

 

 

The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.' 

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.

 

He calls the company and orders their 5 day – 10 kgs programme.

The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kgs, as promised.

 

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25 kgs programme.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

 

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

 

He lost 31 kgs that week. .. ..

[Burabuda]

[a.d._510_n_ok]

A man and wife walked into the Dublin Museum of Modern Art and came upon a large painting of three black men sitting naked on three toilets.The black man in the middle was different in the fact that he had a bright shiny pink penis.

 

Just then the museum curator walked up and said, "I see you are perplexed, perhaps if I explain that this painting graphically depicts the enslavement of the black man and gradually he begins to lose his purpose, his freedom and ultimately his masculinity." And he walked away.

 

As the couple was about to leave a man who had been standing aside listening stepped forward and said, "Would ya really like to know what the painting is all about?" The reply was, " How could you possibly know more about the painting than the curator?" the old man smiled and said,"I'm the artist and those men are not black but Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

[r0p0doe]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

[DaBlist]

[Chuck Most]

1. Piss on a plate

2. Put it in the freezer

3. Wait until late at night when piss is completely frozen

4. Take the frozen piss disc off the plate

5. Slide it under someone's door

6. They'll wake up to a mysterious puddle of piss on their floor

[Ratwagon1600]

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but

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I turned myself around.

[Hawaiian620]

Got this in one of those paper hat poppers

 

[DaBlist]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

[Burabuda]

[fritzdixxon]

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Full.

[tr8er]

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

 

 

 

Full.

That's the waste gate. Normal function

[Burabuda]

[fastdadd]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, "Mary, I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now! And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." 

[fastdadd]

A woman is riding an elevator to the top of a tall building. About halfway up, the car stops and the doors open up. This big, rough looking charecter gets on. After a couple of floors, he looks down at the lady and asks, "Ma'am can I smell your Pussy?" the woman gasps and says, "Certainly Not!!" The gruff looking guy looks back at her and says, "Huh, it must be your feet then.

[fastdadd]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
... ...
The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door and looks in.

You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

[fastdadd]

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her before the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has witnessed the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"

"A Harley Davidson, and I am a Republican."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the New York Times and reads, on the front page:

*REPUBLICAN BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH* 

•  

 

[a.d._510_n_ok]

[russaroll]

Want to hear a story about my dick?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, never mind. It's too long.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Har har har

[VFR800]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. 

 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve’s Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. 

 

It seemed a little strange. When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. 

 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 

 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired PWC Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' 

 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. 

 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. 

 

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 

 

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. 

 

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. 

 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 

 

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[mrmark]

A guy walks in a bar and asks the barman, "isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?"  The bartender says, "Yep, that's them"

 

So the guy walks over and says, "wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing here?"

 

Cruz says, "We're planning WW III " The guys says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

 

Trump says "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

 

The guy exclaims "A blonde with big tits?  Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

 

Trump turns to Cruz and says, "see, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims."

[fastdadd]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling 
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 
"Can I help you Sir?" 
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies. 
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" 
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies. 
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging 
out of his fly for all the world to see. 
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without 
missing a beat, blurts out.... 

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone too!!" 

[fastdadd]

A man complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...then ... pow! ... it was all gone!''What happened?' asked the friend.'Ahhhh ... my wife found out ...