joke's you know you got them

[paradime]

A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed. As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

[Ratwagon1600]

Whats Brown and runny ???

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Usain Bolt

[Hondanx250]

Heard this at a comedy show. Dont remember it word to word. But went something like this.

 

Stoned Crazy Uncle went out to eat at a restaurant with newphew

He kept looking at a ketchup bottle saying he found the car, he found the car laughing.
Nephew ask what car?

He said i found the 240z on the bottle. Nephew grabs and looks it over.

The ketchup bottle says 24oz.

[125 CSL]

This might get you in trouble,....but if you see a fat bottom girl. Shout out, hey girl is some one asked you to haul ass you would have to make two trips.

 

ok another one that will get you in trouble......Tell a friend/colleague you saw in the news paper a job planting tulips for $50 an hour. When your friend/colleague asks where,....reach down grab your own crotch and say right here planting two lips.

[fastdadd]

asphalt it's not just rectal trouble

[a.d._510_n_ok]

[fastdadd]

boobs are proof that men can focus on two things at once 

[Ratwagon1600]

Most men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves .... but the maniac stays.

[DaBlist]

[Z chopper]

Tool Descriptions

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly- stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh *..'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. Most often the tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 

15/16 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel debris.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

FLAT-HEAD SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Often used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Adelaide Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

POCKET KNIFE: Used to slice through the contents within cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as car seats, vinyl, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. 

Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

MICROMETER...A precision tool made for measuring objects in increments of one thousand of an inch. In emergency situations it can double as a 'C' clamp.

CRESCENT WRENCH: Adjustable wrench used in place of proper tool.

Generally rounds off bolts slower than pliers, but with same effect. Also used as hammering device, usually on concrete followed by loud cursing.

[a.d._510_n_ok]

I went to the supermarket today and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

 

When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

 

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket so I called him a pencil-necked dick headed cop.

 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

 

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.

 

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

 

Then he started writing a third ticket!

 

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield.

 

The more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.

 

I didn't care.

 

My car was parked around the corner.

[Chuck Most]

I got a chain letter today.

 

 

 

 

It said that if I didn't forward the letter to someone else...

 

 

 

 

... a dead woman would appear in my closet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guess who's getting laid tonight!

[tr8er]

^sorry. Still not you...

[maltese]

[fastdadd]

you are like my pinky toe...small, cute and sometime tonite i will bang you on the coffee table

[Chuck Most]

^sorry. Still not you...

Maybe I should take up dancing?  :rofl:

[paradime]

How many psychoanalysists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb and one to hold the penis...I mean ladder.

[tr8er]

Maybe I should take up dancing?  :rofl:

I suggest buying a Datsun

[a.d._510_n_ok]

There was this truck driver who really wanted some action, but

only had five dollars. So he stops at a whorehouse along the way

and asks the madam what he can get for five dollars.

 

The madam laughs and says that for five bucks he can have Old Mabel.

 

The truck driver doesn't like the sound of this but really needs to

blow a load, so he agrees.

 

The madam leads him upstairs, opens the door, and there on the

bed is the oldest, ugliest woman he has ever seen in his life -

- Old Mabel.

 

Well, having already paid the madam, the man decides

he may as well get it over with. So he says to Mabel, "Take your

clothes off and let's get going."

 

Mabel just laughs and says, "Oh no, dear, I'm too old for such

things."The man starts to get pissed off because obviously he isn't going

to get any pussy, even from this old hag. But Mabel says, "Now

just wait. My pussy doesn't work any more, but I tell you what.

I'll just take out my wooden eye and you can screw my eye socket.

 

Now the man is completely disgusted. However, he is such a state

by now that he has to either get off or go crazy, so he agrees.

Out pops the eye, in goes the truck driver. Soon he is moaning

and screaming with ecstacy. This is the best lay he has ever had

in his life.

 

After a few minutes he has the greatest orgasm he

has ever had. That truck driver just can't thank Mabel enough.

He says, "Mabel, next time I travel through this way, you and I

have a date."

 

Mabel says,

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."Well, alrighty dear, I'll keep an eye out for you."

[a.d._510_n_ok]

You do know how Canada got its name?

 

They wrote all the letters on cards and put them in a box and began to draw them out...

 

Pulled out a "C" and announced "C, eh!"

 

then drew a N and said "N, eh"

 

and the third draw was a D and called out "D, eh".

 

The guy writing all this down said "That works we'll call it CANADA!"

[mrmark]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law.  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have any cyanide.  Just get a divorce!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[a.d._510_n_ok]

What is a Yankee?

 

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

[mrmark]

I think that's a YankME!

[RatVonDude]

what do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?

 

 

 

a dictator

[paradime]

How can you tell Dolly Parton's kids from the other kids in school?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Their the ones with the stretch marks on their face.