joke's you know you got them

[Cleopatra Jones]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Dale, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Dale and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"Man, what happened to you? He said, "Dale snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Dale shakes the roof with his snoring. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a real man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said in what was for him a chipper voice. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Dale into bed, patted him on the butt, grabbed his willie and kissed him good night.

Dale sat up and watched ME all night."
With age comes wisdom.

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

A blonde city girl named Ashley marries an Alberta rancher.
One  morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his
lovely bride, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate
one of our cows today, so, I drove a nail into the 2 X 4
just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.  Please show him
where the cow is when he gets here,  OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door.
Ashley takes him down to the barn.  They walk along the row of cows
and when Ashley sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady,
'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to
be bred?"
"That's simple," she says. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains
very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail
for?"  The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in a while.)

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." 

 

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

 

As the dice came to a stop,

 

she jumped up and down and squealed... ...."Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" 

 

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

An old cowboy

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his
cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

In Ireland

 

little boy walked into his parents bedroom while they were having some "mammy and daddy time"

What are you doing to mammy, asked the boy!

Father: Oh, em, em, ah Im filling your mother with Diesel

Boy: OK, she must be fairly hard on it!

Father: Why do you ask that??

Boy: cause the post man was filling her this morning!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again.

If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket.

 

“Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

 

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him.

 

She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

 

 

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.

[Ratwagon1600]

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.


The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the
bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...


We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was
the only place for a good shed.


She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night,"
she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to
Bunning's.


She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the
other boot.


Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes,
chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!"
she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that
asbestos in the shed roof."


"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.


"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"


I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite
my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.


"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me
the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."


"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be
able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the
three-piece lounge suite on eBay.


"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up...

[420n620]

A woman in her 60s goes for a check up and the doctor says she is in great shape and could live for another 20 year's. So she decided she would have some plastic surgery done. She walked out of the hospital afterwards and got hit by a bus and died. She told God that she was to live another 20.... He said oops I didn't recognize you!

[Z-train]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

 

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

 

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

 

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

 

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

 

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

 

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

 

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex

[JoeCool]

ROFLMAO on the last post! :rofl:

 

And dammit why I am I limited to only two or three "likes" per day?

[Ratwagon1600]

What's small and yellow and goes cheep cheep

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Asian prostitute

 

 

( told to me this morning by a South Korean bloke)

[Ratwagon1600]

Sky news report.

The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was a mortar attack.

[420n620]

"IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG"

Please be advised, I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal aliens wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers with baseball caps on backward, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

For The Last Time: THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !

[a.d._510_n_ok]

[Guest Jamee]

If you sexually assualt a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting? :D

[Guest Jamee]

What's another word for Thesaurus?  

 

 

<_< :P

[Z-train]

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!. And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[a.d._510_n_ok]

A Frenchman, a Mexican and an Irishman walk into a bar and each order a drink.

 

Their drinks arrive, each with a fly floating in it.

 

Repulsed, the Frenchman sends his drink back and orders another.

 

The Mexican shrugs, plucks the fly out and starts drinking.

 

The Irishman pulls the fly out of the glass, looks at the fly and screams, "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!"  

[420n620]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[Ratwagon1600]

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

 

....................

 

 

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

 

 

........................

 

 

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.

He says, "What's your name?"

She says, "Carmen."

He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"

She says, "No, I named myself."

He says, "Why Carmen?"

She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"

He says, "Beerfuck."

[nismo dr]

how do Mexicans cut their pizza?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little caesers

[420n620]

A man was in a long line at Walmart.
As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so
he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't
know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed
hold of him and called over the intercom,
'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was
interesting, and like most of us, was up
for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he
told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked
if she could have some brought to the
register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated
that he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up
the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage
boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type
of sexual contact with a live female, so
he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the
checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said
he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and said...








'Cleanup, Register 5'

[a.d._510_n_ok]

A man walks into a bar.

 

There is a monkey sitting on the counter.

 

The man asks the bartender about the monkey.

 

The bartender says, "watch this!"

 

He hits the monkey on the head, and it dives under the counter and sucks off the bartender.

 

The man at the bar says "oh my god, that is amazing!!"

 

The bartender asks, "wanna try it?"

 

The man replies "yeah, just don't hit me on the head so hard!"     

[Burabuda]

[Z-train]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F99faLJYpo8