joke's you know you got them

[motavated]

So this guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I bet you $50 I can piss in a shot glass without getting a single drop on the bar counter."

 

 

the bartender says, "Fuck dude... .. I'll give you $100 if you can"

 

 

The guy gets up on the bar counter,,, ,,, and carefully places the shot glass on a napkin

 

 

 

 

 

He stands up strait,, and just starts pissing all over the bar,,, ........ and hardly gets any in the shot glass

 

 

 

 

He hands the bartender $50,,, ,,, and says, "I bet that guy outside $200 I could piss all over your bar without getting kicked out"

 

 

That is a very old joke. I believe it actually really happen and done by an African american slave. I got to find that story... If its true..

[Pumpkn210]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved young grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for whatever takes his interest as they walk through the aisles.Meanwhile, the grandfather is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "easy, William, we won't be long . . .. easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the man calmly say, "it's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."At the checkout, the little boy is throwing items out of the cart, and the grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don 't get upset. we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." As the woman goes outside she sees the grandfather loading his groceries and the boy into a car. She approaches and says to the elderly gentleman, "it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive your grandson got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. .. . this little bastard's name is Steve !!

[420n620]

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?

 

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

 

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

 

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

 

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

 

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

 

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

 

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

 

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

 

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

 

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

 

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

 

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

 

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

 

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

 

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

 

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT!"

 

HE GOT THE JOB.

[420n620]

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

 

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world

needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

 

The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, "I am the Speaker of the House. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

 

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

 

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

 

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

[420n620]

A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

 

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're

blind, That you should know five things:

 

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

 

2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.

 

3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

 

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters.....'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[datzenmike]

WaHahahahahaha!!!

[nismo dr]

:rofl:

[skunk]

Im keeping that one

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

 

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

 

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score...'

 

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,

'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

 

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,

'Touchdown, tie score.'

 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

 

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

 

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

 

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[datzenmike]

Har, har

 

Lou you home today too or on the work 'puter?

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

Har, har

 

Lou you home today too or on the work 'puter?

 

 

Mike

I am home(looking for work) :blink:

just recently been given the "ok" to return to work yet again :blink:

The place in Vic Closed forever :o

[nismo dr]

A husband and wife head out to the golf course to play golf together for the first time. In fact, Ray has been teaching Debra to play, and this is going to be her first full 18 holes of golf.

 

Things are going pretty well until they reach the 7th hole. The tee shot is across a pond to a tight fairway. Ray senses trouble when he sees the big house sitting right next to the fairway on the right side - right where Debra's slice might take her ball.

 

Sure enough, Debra hits her tee shot and the ball curves straight for the house. It crosses into the backyard and crashes through a big picture window.

 

Ray and Debra both cringe. "I'm so sorry!" Debra exclaimed. "Don't worry about," Ray said, "we'll just have to go up that house, find the owner, apologize, and see how much that window is going to cost us."

 

So they walk over to the house, find its front door, and knock. A deep, soothing voice replied, "Come on in."

 

When they open the door, the damage caused by Debra's errant shot was obvious. Glass was all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle lay on its side near the smashed window.

 

A man was reclining on the couch. "Are you the people who broke my window?" he asked.

 

"Yes, sir. We're very sorry about that," Ray replied.

 

"Oh, no apology necessary!" the man exclaimed. "I owe you a huge 'thank you.' You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. When your golf ball broke the bottle, I finally was set free! Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. What are your wishes?"

 

"Wow, this is amazing!" Ray said. He thought for a moment, then blurted out, "I want $10 million a year for the rest of my life."

 

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll even guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now, what's the second wish?"

 

Debra jumped in: "I'd like to own a huge, gorgeous mansion in every country in the world, each one complete with servants! And all bills paid!"

 

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!

 

"You have one wish left," the genie continued, "but I want to ask you a favor. I've been trapped in that bottle for so long ... would you mind allowing me to make the final wish?"

 

Ray and Debra both were quick to say yes. After all, their future was more than secure. "What is your wish, genie?" Ray asked him.

 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years," the genie said to Ray, "my wish is to have sex with your wife."

 

Ray and Debra looked at each other, and whispered back-and-forth for a few seconds. Ray asked Debra what she thought.

 

"You know, considering our good fortune today, all thanks to this genie, I guess it would be OK. But would you mind, Ray?"

 

"You know I love you, honey," Ray replied. "I'd do the same for you."

 

So Debra and the genie went upstairs. Ray waited downstairs while the pair spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other's company.

 

After about three hours of non-stop action, the genie rolled over. Looking directly into Debra's eyes, he asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

 

"We're both 35," Debra responded breathlessly.

 

"No kidding. That's interesting," the genie said. "Thirty-five years old, and both of you still believe in genies?"

[Skib]

aaaaahahahahahaha :lol:

[nismo dr]

I haven't slept for 3 days.............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

because that would be too long

[Guest kamakazi620]

What did one tampon say to the other???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOTHING they were BOTH stuck up cunts!!!!!!

[420n620]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

Holy crap,' the guy replies.

You actually understood and answered me. !'

I got every word,' says the parrot.

I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

Wow,' says the guy.

You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

THEN what happened?'

 

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

 

Yes.

 

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

[nismo dr]

Sleeping with Bob

 

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,

because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of

them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

 

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning

with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what

happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and

watched him all night."

 

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same

thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what

happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the

roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

 

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a

man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and

bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They

said, "Man, what happened?"

 

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.. I went and tucked Bob into bed,

patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and

watched me all night."

[420n620]

Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for

his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500

in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

 

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

 

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and

model it for him.

 

Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so

sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the

modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for

myself."

 

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

 

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least

iron it!"

 

He never heard the shot.

 

Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.

The coffin will be closed.

[Jayden71]

Little red riding hood is skipping down a path when she sees the Bg Bad Wolf hiding behind a tree

 

"My, what big eyes you have" she says. Big Bad Wolf gets up and runs away.

 

A few minutes later, Little Red Riding Hood sees the Big Bad Wolf hiding behind a bush,

 

"My, what big ears you have" she says. Big Bad Wolf gets up and runs away.

 

A few minutes later, Little Red Riding Hood sees the Big Bad Wolf hiding behind a rock,

 

"My what big teeth you have" she says.

 

This time Big Bad Wolf gets up and says, "Jesus kid!! Gimme a break, I'm trying to take a shit!!"

[Jennifer]

One day a hippie goes on a bus and sits next to a nun. He asks her if she wants to have sex with him, she says no and gets off at the next stop. The hippie sits there and waits to get off the next stop and on the way

 

out the bus driver asks him, "do you want to know how to have sex with that nun?" , the hippie says yes and then the bus driver tells him, "You can find the nun at the cemetery praying at night, meet her there, but

 

you have to wear a glow in the dark outfit and pretend you are GOD." So thats what the hippie went and did. He got to the cemetery and said to the nun, "I am GOD and I will fulfill your dreams if you have sex with

 

me! So the nun agrees but only wanted butt sex. After they finished, GOD rips off his mask and says "HA HA I'M THE HIPPIE" and the nun rips off her mask and says "HA HA I AM THE BUS DRIVER.

[fastdadd]

i was downtown the other day and this guy walks up to me and says "i will tell you a joke for a dollar" so i am like sure go for it.....

 

this slug is headed down the street when he is mugged by two turtles when asked by the police what happened the slug says i dont know it happened so fast

 

i gave him the dollar

[skunk]

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

 

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

 

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

 

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

 

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

 

She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."

[datzenmike]

A little boy goes up to his father and says: "If big dogs have little dogs and big cats have little cats, why don't big buses have little buses?" His dad thinks for a while and says "Go ask your mom." So the little boy goes up to his mom in the kitchen and asks her: "If big dogs have little dogs and big cats have little cats, why don't big buses have little buses?" His mom thinks about it and being busy says to him: "Why don't you go down to the bus station and ask a bus driver?" So the little boy goes down town to the bus depot and finds a bus driver having a break and he ask him: "If big dogs have little dogs and big cats have little cats, why don't big buses have little buses?" The bus driver thinks for a while and then ask the boy: "Who told you to come down here and ask me that question?" The little bboy says: "My mom." The bud driver smiles and says: "You go home and you tell your mom, that our busses always pull out on time."

[420n620]

Sick Leave

 

 

I urgently needed a few days off work, but,

I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

 

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then

he would tell me to take a few days off.

 

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

 

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

 

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb

so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

 

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office

and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

 

I told him I was a light bulb.

 

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

 

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

 

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,

the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

 

 

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

[Jayden71]

A man had settled in next to the window on the plane when another man took the aisle seat and then put a very large black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to him.

The first man looked quizzically at the dog and asked why a dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained he was from the DEA and his dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Nosey and he's the best there is. Watch what he can do once we get airborne.'

The plane took off and leveled out. The Agent told Nosey, 'Search.'

The big Lab jumped down, walked the aisle, stopped, and sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Then, the dog returned to his seat and put one paw on the Agent's forearm.

The Agent turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana. I make note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the man.

Again, the Agent sent the Nosey to search the aisles. The dog sniffed about, and quickly sat down beside a man for a few seconds, then returned to it's seat. The Lab placed two paws on the Agent's arm.

The Agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine.'

'How about that!' said the man.

The Agent again sent Nosey to search. The dog was just about finished moving up and down every aisles, sat down for a brief moment, and then raced back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat, and proceeded to pee and crap all over it.

The first man was shocked by the disgusting sight and smell. He shouted, 'What the hell is going on ?'

The Agent nervously whispered, 'He's just found a bomb.