joke's you know you got them

[Jayden71]

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

[Jayden71]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "'Anybody?'

"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy.' Then she turned to Mary and continued. "And as for you, young lady, I have three things to say: one, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[Jayden71]

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.The man's friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults," says the first golfer.

"Somersaults!" says the friend. "That's incredible. How many does he do?"

"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

[fastdadd]

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

[fastdadd]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it...why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

 

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[fastdadd]

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

 

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

 

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

 

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brough ta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

 

The conductor, 'e coma by, wagga his finger at us anna say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.'

 

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!

 

Conductore walka by again, wagga his finger anna say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

 

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he wagga is finger again anna say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'

 

"We go to a smokina car and I smoka my biga cigar.

 

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anna go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice

[fastdadd]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

 

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

 

'No,' she replies. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait for it.

 

It's coming. .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[fastdadd]

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."

[fastdadd]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular ,

'Gosh...if I go down three inches

I will feel the mist

From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking ,

'Gosh..if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking ,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

That fish will jump for the fly...

And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank

Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches....

And that fish leaps for it...

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is

Enough activity on one river bank,

But I can tell you there's more. ...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking ,

' Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...

And that fish jumps for that fly..

And that bear grabs for that fish...

The dumb hunter will shoot the bear

And drop his cheese sandwich .'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

(as was fashionable to do on the banks of

This particular river around lunch time)

' Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..

And that fish jumps for that fly

And that bear grabs for that fish

And that hunter shoots that bear..

And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .

Then I can have mouse for lunch .'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he

Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly ...

The bear grabs the fish ..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich ...

The cat jumps for the mouse..

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story ...

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger .

[fastdadd]

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.

She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why. She said, "Because I am trying to examine you."

[fastdadd]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance

is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value

of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The

shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go

up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the

building!

 

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first

floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign

reads:

 

Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good

Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking,

and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help

with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the

sign

reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on

this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible

to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

PLEASE NOTE:

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store

just across the street.

 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

 

The second floor has wives that love sex, datsuns, beer and have money .

 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Duke]

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?

 

He didn't like the way his parents were rearing him.

 

Why did he come back?

 

He couldn't leave his little brothesr behind.

[slam_dat_sun]

Did you hear about the kidnapping at wal-mart ? His mother woke him up .

[slam_dat_sun]

A lady came forward that Tiger Woods was having sex with her and the had given her a STD . He gave her golfer clap .

[Jester]

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist The discussion came around to deer hunting.

 

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?

 

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

 

 

The interview ended.

[hang_510]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

 

 

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

 

 

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one Capital.

[hang_510]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have

turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the

children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early

dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can

leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart

and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the

questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would

keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW

[Jester]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

 

 

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

 

 

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one Capital.

 

My Blonde daughter thought this was awesome.

[ariascarlos1990]

not actualy a joke but, a funny ass epic fail...

 

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191

[420n620]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

Don't Mess with Old People!!

[datto510]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

.

.

.

.

"keep the tip." :sick:

[Guest kamakazi620]

Why can't Stevie Wonder Read????

 

 

 

 

He's black

 

 

Why does Stevie Wonder smile all the time?

 

 

he dosen't know he's black

 

 

Why does Stevie Wonder ride in the back of the bus?

 

 

CAUSE HE'S F'N BLIND!!!! YOU RACIST!!!!!!!!

[LAYEDOUTB2K]

A son asked his mother the following question:

 

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

 

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

 

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

 

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

 

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

 

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[hang_510]

[jeff foxworthy voice] "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

 

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

 

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

 

3. You have more wives than teeth.

 

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

 

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

 

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

 

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

 

8. You were amazed to discover cell phones have uses other than setting off roadsidebombs.

 

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

 

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

 

11. Your cousin is president of the United States

[hang_510]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

 

One student turned in the following book report,

With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

 

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

 

Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99

Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

 

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

 

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

 

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.

 

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

 

Titanic:...... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

 

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton :.... Let's not go there.

 

Titanic:...... Rose gets to keep her jewelry..

Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

 

Titanic:...... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

 

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton :...... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

 

Titanic:...... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing