joke's you know you got them

[wannabeBRE]

Guy walks into his house with a sheep under his arm, and says "Honey, I just wanted to show you the pig I'm fuckin" Wife says, "That's not a pig." Hubby says, "I wasn't talkin to you..."

[woodside4032]

How does a redneck find a sheep in tall grass?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Very satisfying

[nismo dr]

What do Coors Light and having sex in a canoe have in common?

 

 

Its fucking too close to water

[a.d._510_n_ok]

1.

 

My wife was in labor with our first child.

 

She was shouting out "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!"

 

She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard!"

 

I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said that would be too painful."

 

2.

 

I was walking down the road today and saw my Arab neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.

 

I shouted up to him, "What's the matter, Abdul, won't it start?"

[DatDoug]

Saw this on Comedy Centrals Roast of Joan Rivers. For those of you that dont know who Joan Rivers is, she is an old jewish comedian that does all the awards shows like the oscars, emmys and so on and talks about what everybody is wearing. Anyway here is the joke:

 

Joan Rivers has seen more Red Carpets than an Irish Lesbian:eek::lol:

[fastdadd]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of

Carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by

The whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way

With big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine

Imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of

Terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with

Congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly

Beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the

Hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and

Led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate

Liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant

Breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and

Fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming

Coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from

Under the cup's bottom edge. '...All this was just too wonderful for

Words,' he said, ......but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be

Your last day ...and that we should do something special for you. I

Asked him what to give you?' He said, "...Screw him ..........give him

a dollar.."

The blonde then blushed and said, '.....But he shouldn't take all the credit.....The breakfast was my

Idea.'

[Nate]

a donkey and a rabbit are walking through the woods

 

the donkey suddenly falls into a quick sand pit

 

the rabbit say " hang on i'll get you out"

 

the rabbit comes back with a brand new ferrari thorughs him a rope and pulls the donkey out.

 

Couple weeks later the same rabbit and donkey are walking through the woods

 

suddenly the rabbit falls into the quick sand pit

 

the donkey says "hang on i'll get you out" he stradles the whole and the rabbit grabs on to the donkeys rather large penis and pulls him out....

 

Moral of the story you dont need a ferrari if you have a big penis....

[Bleach]

Moral of the story you dont need a ferrari if you have a big penis....

If you can afford a Ferrari, you buy one no matter what size your penis is :lol:

The donkey is poor! :P

[Nate]

If you can afford a Ferrari, you buy one no matter what size your penis is :lol:

The donkey is poor! :P

 

 

touche'

[defdes]

It's a stupid joke, but I think of it almost daily going thru my neighborhood.

Whats the difference between porcupines and BMWs?...

With BMWs the pricks are on the inside.

[dat521kid]

skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. the black guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says; "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown." the little guy faints and falls to the floor. the big guy kneels down and brings him by shaking him. the big guy says;"whats wrong with you?" in a weak voice the little guy says; "what EXACTLY did you say?" I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 pounds, i have a 20 inch dick, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown. the small guy says; "Turner Brown! sweet jesus, i thought you said, TURN AROUND!

[fastdadd]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[hang_510]

A notable gynecologist once said,

The best engine in the world is the vagina.

It can be started with one finger.

It is self lubricating.

It takes any size piston.

And it changes its own fluid every four weeks.

 

It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental.

[bonvo]

how to get a cat to take a pill

 

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left

Arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger

And thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently

Apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right

Hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

 

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,

Holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe..

 

Call spouse from garden.

 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.

 

Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to

Humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply

Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood

From carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard

Door back on hinges.. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of

Scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to

Cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

 

12. Call fire department to retrieve the d*** cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down...

 

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to

Drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while

Doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill

Remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way

Home to order new table.

 

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect hell-bent mutant cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any puppies

 

how to get a dog to take a pill

 

1. Wrap it in bacon.

 

2. Toss it in the air

[a100addict]

did you hear obama was assasinated today? no? maybe tomorrow!

[420n620]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny,

who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People,

shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln,

1863'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed;

Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*** the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right!!! Now who said

that!?'

Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime

Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts

to the teacher 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If

you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, '

Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him-

2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, some one

said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

Little Johnny said quietly,

"The American people, November 4, 2008."

[fastdadd]

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.

 

She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.

 

They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

 

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

 

A few days later, the woman's phone rings.

 

Much to her relief, it's the doctor.

 

She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

 

The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem.

 

But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Ratsun guy in the waiting room?'

 

The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

 

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold

[Jester]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:............

[fastdadd]

A computer nerd was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I

[fastdadd]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964 and Fred had a

date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

 

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?

Lemonade? Iced Tea?"

 

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

 

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

 

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at

the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

 

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

 

"Really?" Fred replied; eyebrows rising.

 

"Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,

that's all they do!"

 

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

 

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night

if we let her!"

 

"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about

alternate plans for the evening.

 

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty

as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a poodle skirt, and with

her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

 

"Have fun, kids!" her mother called as they left.

 

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the

house and slammed the front door behind her.

 

"It's 'The Twist', Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the

kitchen.

 

"The freakin' dance is called the Twist!"

[fastdadd]

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder

 

on Michael Jackson

[fastdadd]

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

 

To which Murphy replies:

 

"You thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the frickin

[fastdadd]

Put both your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for a while. When you let them out, which one do you think will be glad to see you? smile.

[fastdadd]

A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

 

The wife, lying in bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

 

The farmer replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[fastdadd]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop, and asked, "How long till I can get a haircut?

 

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, about 2hours.' The guy left.

 

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

 

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

 

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

 

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.

 

The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

 

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'

 

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house