joke's you know you got them

[stilltwisted]

i guy walks into a bar with a octopus under his arm,, the bar tender complanes { hey buddy you cant bring that thing in here! } the man states that this is a special octopus and it can play any instrument that has been made,, if you buy me a beer i can show you ,, the bar tender pours a beer and says this i got to see ???? so the man puts the octopus down at the piano and it startes to play some rag time (it sounds beautiful ) the bar tender was just amazed ,, the man says {i could used another beer} do you have another instrument around here,, the bar tender i got one but there is no way in hell it can play it !!!! the man says come on give him a chance ?? the bar tender starts to laugh and reaches down behind the bar as his laughter starts to get louder he tosses a set of bag pipes to the floor in front of the octopus !! the octopus jumps down from the piano stool and starts to attack the pipes { gaud awfull sounds insue },,the bar tender yells i knew it that sound hidious,, the man objects hold on just wait give him a second,,bar tender says wait for what!!! the man its ok it will play it after it figures out that it cant fuck it!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

this joke is better i person ,,,ohwell

[bonvo]

this blonde is out in the middle of a feild in a rowboat rowing away another blonde drives by and sees the first blonde she backs up and parks the car and gets out she stands at the edge of the field and yells at the first blonde "its blondes like you that give us a bad name if i could swim i would come out there and kick your ass"

[bonvo]

this blonde goes to the docters office and sits in the room the docter comes in and looks at her and asks "why are you weraing those headphones?" the blonde looks at him " thats why im hear i want a second opinion another docter told me i had to wear these to live" the docter looks at her puzzled "i dont know why he would say that take them off and ill be right back" the docter comes back 5 minutes later and the blonde is dead on the floor the docter looks around and the headphones are on the floor next to her he picks them up and places them over his ears and he hears "breathe in breathe out breathe in breathe out"

[fastdadd]

i tried to snort coke one time.......the ice cubes kept getting the way

[datto510]

Why couldnt Hellen Keller drive?

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.

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Because she was a woman!!! BWHHAA!!

[rat tail dragger]

my son wanted a watch for christmas so i let him i asked santa for a white hummer with lots of chrome ,, fat bastard sent me a crack whore with braces what does a fat chick and pile of roofing material have in commen , theyll both get nailed by a mexican -----my friend paublo told me that one hahah

[420n620]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

 

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

[Shonuff]

why does a chicken coup only have 2 doors?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cuz if it had 4 it would be a sedan.

[Llittle_Llama]

The Army found it had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early-out bonus. They promised those who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body, and they could choose the two points.

 

A Captain who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his

head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with

a bonus of $72,000.

 

A Major who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured

from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out

with $96,000.

 

The third man was a grizzly old Sgt. Major who, when asked where he

would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

 

The officers laughed, and the pension man suggested that he might want to

reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks

the two officers had received.

 

But the old Sgt. Major insisted and they decided to go along with him, provided

the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived

and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer then

placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

 

 

Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief smiled and calmly replied, "Vietnam, where's my money?'

[Llittle_Llama]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.....

 

Dear Dad:

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

 

Love,

Your Son Thomas

 

 

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Brads's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Llittle_Llama]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up. "Sure" they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply. 'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools. 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger. 'Can you do two for me now? 'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson. The hit man took the rifle and took aim , standing perfectly still for a few minutes. 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently. Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here . . . .

[rat tail dragger]

big bad wolf told lil red riding hood lift ur top so i can suck on ur titties.no she said while lifting her skirt,eat me like the book says .

[fastdadd]

have you heard of the drink....jfk......you get a draft beer with the head blown off and three shots

[Llittle_Llama]

why dont blind people sky dive?

 

 

 

 

 

it scares the shit out of the dog!!!

[rat tail dragger]

a rooster and a cat were playin by the pool . the cat fell in and the rooster laughed.the cat said, a wet pussy always makes a cock happy

[Llittle_Llama]

what do you do if you see a loved one having a seizure in the bath tub?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

throw in a load of laundry! :lol::lol::lol:

[Drummerboy4as]

A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a house, a little kid answers the door drinking scotch and smoking a cigar. The salesman asks "Hi there, are your parents home?" The kid takes a sip of the scotch and says "What the fuck do you think?!"

[fastdadd]

NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew

 

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

 

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

 

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However Gordon got more than he bargained for.

 

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

[Datsun720]

A german entrepeneur and a japanese car-maker were talking. The japanese guy says,i can produce 5000 cars by the end of the week. The german guy says "Dat Soon" :)

[Llittle_Llama]

A german entrepeneur and a japanese car-maker were talking. The japanese guy says,i can produce 5000 cars by the end of the week. The german guy says "Dat Soon" :)

 

nice ;)

[spikegomez]

Women's English

"Yes" = No

 

"No"

= Yes

 

"Maybe" = No

 

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

 

"We need" = I want

 

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

 

"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to

 

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

 

"We need to talk" = I need to complain

 

"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

 

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs

 

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

 

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

 

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

 

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

 

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like

 

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

 

"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me

 

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

 

"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]

 

"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later

 

 

 

 

 

_________________

A cool idea from SEO Test

[dat521kid]

a blonde on a bus needed to fart. luckily the music was LOUD enough so she just let it rip. leaving the bus she realized she was listening to her ipod

[Z-train]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks

her husband to stop the car.? There was a baby skunk lying at the side of

the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

 

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.? Can we

take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

 

He says, "OK, get in the car with it."

 

The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

 

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

 

"But what about the smell?" asked the wife.

 

He says, "Just hold its little nose."

 

The man is expected to recover; but the skunk she used to beat him with

died at the scene.

[Z-train]

INTERESTING!!!

Two magazines, Country Living (99.99% white readership) and Ebony/Jet (99.99% black readership) did surveys on

.....'WHAT DO PEOPLE FEAR MOST?'

The results were interesting, to say the least...

Country Living magazine's top three answers were:

1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S.

2. Child/spouse dying/terminal illness.

3. Terminal illness/self.

Ebony/Jet magazine's top three answers were:

1. Ghosts

2. Dogs

3. Registered mail :blink:

[420n620]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and, at

> the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he

> would now need to enter a password. Something he could

> remember easily and would use each time he had to log on.

> The husband was a bit bored by the process and, feeling in

> a rather amorous mood, figured he would try for the shock

> effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when

> the computer asked him to enter his password, he paused for

> effect, then letter by letter, with his wife watching over

> his shoulder, he keyed in ........

> P

> E

> N

> I

> S

> His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer

> replied:

> PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH