joke's you know you got them

[fastdadd]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

 

"About 32," is the reply.

 

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily..

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

 

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

 

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

 

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

 

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

 

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

 

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?"

 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

 

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

 

She says, "Why should I get mad?"

 

The Old Man says again, "You MUST promise me you won't get mad."

 

"Okay," she says. "I promise I won't get mad."

 

"I was behind you at McDonalds."

[420n620]

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he

had a pet.

 

So he went to the pet store and told the owner

that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

 

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking

centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little

white box to use for his house.

 

He took the box back home, found a good spot for

the box, and decided he would start off by taking

his new pet to church with him.

 

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you

like to go to church with me today? We will have

a good time"

 

But there was no answer from his new pet.

 

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes

and then asked again, "How about going to church

with me and receive blessings?"

 

But again, there was no answer from his new friend

and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking

about the situation.

 

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

 

This time he put his face up against the centipede's

house and shouted,

 

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with

me and learn about God?"

 

This time, a little voice came out of the box,

 

 

"I heard you the first time!

I'm putting on my shoes!"

[420n620]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

 

 

 

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

 

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

 

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

 

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

 

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

 

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

 

Two lessons here:

 

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

[Jester]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Datsun when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

 

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his Ratsun when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

 

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Datsun. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the samework?'

 

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

 

'Try doing it with the engine running'.

[Jester]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

 

"Mrs. Sanders, please.

 

"Speaking."

 

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory.

 

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.

 

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.

 

Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

 

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

 

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

 

"Normally we can, but the new Obama health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

 

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

 

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[a.d._510_n_ok]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

 

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition

or religion, but the Indian Embassy has recently revealed the true

story.

 

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into

the union.

 

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the

dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station,

a donut shop, an Indian restaurant, a taxi cab or a motel here in

the US.

 

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer

telephones and provide us with tech support.

[Jester]

Dang. And here I always thought that was a low oil light. Go figure. :rolleyes:

[420n620]

^^^:lol::lol:

[420n620]

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

 

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last

 

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

 

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

 

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

 

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

 

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

 

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

 

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

 

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

 

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

 

Have a good day!

 

Thoughtfully yours,

 

Alex

[Jester]

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents

in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.

We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2

sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of

us got drowned because we were all up on the

mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

 

 

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her

he is okay.

 

He can't write because of the cast. I got to

ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It

was neat. We never would have found Adam in the

dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

 

Scoutmaster Cary got mad at Adam for going on a

hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he

did tell him, but it was during the fire so he

probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if

you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

 

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents

did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is

going to look weird until his hair grows back.

 

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Cary

gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about

the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.

 

Scoutmaster Cary said that with a bus that old,

you have to expect something to break down;

that's probably why he can't get insurance.

 

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we

get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets

us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with

45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take

turns riding in the trailer until the highway

patrol man stopped and talked to us.

 

Scoutmaster Cary is a neat guy. Don't worry, he

is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie

how to drive on the mountain roads where there

aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are

logging trucks.

 

This morning all of the guys were diving off the

rocks and swimming out to the rapids.

Scoutmaster Cary wouldn't let me because I can't

swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because

of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't

have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe

out. It was great. You can still see some of the

trees under the water from the flood.

 

Scoutmaster Cary isn't crabby like some

scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the

life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time

working on the bus so we are trying not to cause

him any trouble.

 

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid

merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and

cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet

works.

 

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Cary said

it probably was just food poisoning from the

left-over chicken. He said they got sick that

way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he

got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he

sure figured out how to get things done better

while he was doing his time. By the way, what is

a pedal-file?

 

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail

our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't

worry about anything. We are fine and tonight

it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

 

See you soon,

 

Tommy

[datzenmike]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

 

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the

dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station,

a donut shop, an Indian restaurant, a taxi cab or a motel here in

the US.

 

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer

telephones and provide us with tech support.

 

Dang. And here I always thought that was a low oil light. Go figure. :rolleyes:

 

I thought it was the start button....

[slam_dat_sun]

one way to get laid is to crawl up a chickens rear end and wait

[fastdadd]

what is green and smells like pork

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kermit the frogs finger

[420n620]

RECTUM STRETCHER

 

(if you don't laugh at this one, there is something wrong.)

 

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait..

 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

 

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

 

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

 

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

 

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

 

 

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

 

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.

 

 

 

 

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

 

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

 

 

 

 

 

 

Traffic Ticket - $95.00

Court Costs - $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face.................PRICELESS

[fastdadd]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

 

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,"Things are

great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant

with my child." "So what do you think about that, Doc ?"

 

 

 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

 

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses

a season.

 

 

 

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally

picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came

across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

 

 

 

He realized he'd left his gun at home so he couldn't shoot the magnificent

creature. Out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were

his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously , two shots rang

out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?", asked

the doctor.

 

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped

a couple of rounds into that beaver."

 

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[fastdadd]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

 

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

 

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

 

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod fish appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old buddy.

 

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old buddies simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

 

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.

 

He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

 

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old buddy. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

 

"He's at home,distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.

 

As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.

 

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed"

....."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian"

[fastdadd]

I'll see you and raise you a bad un

 

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf

When she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return

To the clubhouse for help and

to complain.

 

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and

Asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

 

'I was stung by a bee', she said..

 

'Where', he asked.

 

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

 

He nodded knowingly and said,

'Then your stance is too wide.'

[fastdadd]

In these tuff times Ronald McDonald gets laid off but not to worry he gets a job as a bus driver and he gets assigned the route down Sesame st. He comes to his first stop and these 2 rather large laidies get on the bus and they are both giggling and they ssay together "Hi my names Patty and her name is Patty too and we are best friends". Ronald thinks this is a lttle strange but he moves on tothe next stop and their is a woman there with a young handycapped boy and she says "Hi this is my boy Ross and he is special, he is going to see his Grandma on 5th st. can you please make sure he gets off at the right stop?" then Ronald moves on to the last stop whre the old Hillbilly Luster Peese gets on and goes to the back of the bus takes his warn out shoe off and begins to pick at the bunions on his foot. After Ronald finishes his route he goes home and his wife asks "How was your first day on the new job?" Ronald says "it was quite like my old job" his wife asks "how is that ?" and Ronald replies "well I had" Wait for it, wait for it. "2 whole beef Pattys, special Ross, Luster Pees pickin' bunions on a Sesame street bus"

[fastdadd]

Guy decides to run for public office and soon finds the schedule is getting the better of him.

He thinks about it for a while and figures if he can be in 2 places at once, he'd have it made.

Like a lightning bolt it comes to him - make a clone!

So off he goes to wherever people have clones made and has one made of himself.

He looks it over, talks with it for a while and thinks 'this is perfect, he's just like me!'.

Next thing you know the guy is all over the place kissing babies, cutting ribbons, shaking hands and speaking at every place he can book.

 

After a little while he starts seeing things in the news about how he's a really rotten asshole.

Shows up at engagements swearing, calling people names, just completely rude, obnoxious and foul to everyone.

The worst part is the profanity in public. Stuff that would make a merchant marine blush in front of old ladies and pastors.

 

The guy figures he's got to put a stop to it and fast so he comes up with the perfect demise for the crude clone.

If he can kill the thing himself and make sure it's unidentifiable, nobody will ever know who it was.

 

The guy tells the clone that there's a ceremony to attend on the top of the city's tallest building.

"Be there at noon tomorrow" he tells the clone.

The clone may have the filthiest mouth on the planet, but he's prompt & he's there at noon on the dot.

Looking around the clone is muttering to himself "mutherfuckercocksuckingbitchcuntpigfuckers ... where the fuck..."

The clone is so pissed he doesn't see the guy sneaking up to him and before you know it the clone falls 36 floors to an unbelievably messy death.

The politician looks over the side and knows in an instant that there's no way anyone will ever identify the gruesome remains so he quickly gets in the elevator and goes straight to the ground floor.

 

Wouldn't you know it - the cops are right there and arrest him on the spot.

 

 

 

 

The charge ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.........

 

 

 

 

Making an Obscene Clone Fall.

[fastdadd]

Woman has a triple heart bypass , gets out of hospital and has to attend clinic the following week

when she come home from clinic her husband askes, what did the doc say

 

I have a nice twat

husband explodes into a rage and shout what, he then storms down the clinic and kicks the living shit out of the doctor

 

when the doctor regains conciousness, he says what was that for

 

the husband says you told my wife she has a nice twat

 

 

no i dint said the doctor, what i said was

 

 

I said you have acute angina

[nismo dr]

What do Dale Earnhardt Sr. and Pink Floyd have in common?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Their last big hit was the wall :eek:

[420n620]

Two Alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

 

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

 

'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'

 

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.

 

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

 

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

 

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

 

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

 

'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

[intense 620]

how do gay gangsters do a drive by?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

they pull up in a pink focus throw skittles and yell taste the rainbow bitches!!!

 

 

 

A little boy and a little girl were in the bathtub... mom walked out to get towels

the little girl looks down and says "whats that can i touch it?" the little boy looks down and says "No you already tore yours off!"

[thisismatt]

Did you hear Mickey Mouse is divorcing Minny? He said she's fuckin' goofy.

 

 

What do french women put behind their ears to attract men? Their ankles.

[datsunfreak]

Heard this one today...

 

President Obama was speaking to a small group of Texas farmers. After he asked one of them a question, he noticed a fly buzzing around his face and tried to swat it away.

 

The farmer said "is that circle fly giving you trouble Mr. President?"

 

President Obama said "No, no trouble at all. Why do you call them circle flys?"

 

The farmer said "Well sir, they tend to circle around the horse's butt all day, so we took to calling them circle flies".

 

President Obama said "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

 

The farmer said "No sir, I ain't one to call an important fella like you names".

 

"Course I ain't one to argue with a fly neither".