joke's you know you got them

[jrock4224]

i got one,....

 

http://community.ratsun.net/topic/53962-jdmflares-would-like-to-apologize-for-the-delays-in-shipping-out-our-flares/

[Dat Lurka]

Subcompact pickup

Flatsun 180°

[Burabuda]

[fastdadd]

did you hear that the navy is now using powdered soap

 

 

 

 

 

 

it takes longer to  pick up....

[Guest Jamee]

You know the urge to eat something just because it's there?

 

 

 

 

 

That's why I'm no longer a gynecologist. :blush:

[Z-train]

 

 

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

 

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very

 

difficult to handle.

 

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

 

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was

 

no male gorilla available.

 

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought

 

of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker

 

responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee,

 

like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample

 

ability to satisfy a female of any species.

 

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee

 

was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing

 

to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

 

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would

 

have to think the matter over carefully. The following

 

day, he announced that he would accept their offer,

 

but only under five conditions:

 

"First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the

lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

 

"Second," he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt

Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this

 

condition.

 

"Third," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

 

"Fourth," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised

Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

 

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come

up with the $500.00.

[420n620]

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."

[Jayden71]

Threads by Speed_Office!

[420n620]

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up". Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex. Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ---- my wife won twice last week."

[Ratwagon1600]

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.

 

Her condition is said to be stable

 

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.

So I had a $5 each way !

 

Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted!

 

 

had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....

I still have a bit between my teeth

 

 

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of

unicorn

 

 

 

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

 

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"

 

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."

 

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

 

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'

Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

 

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse

d'oeuvres.

 

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a

dead.. NO! NO NO NO!

 

 

Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots

 

To beef or not to beef.

That is equestrian

[Son_of_a_Datsun_Guy]

The top two reasons solving redneck murders is so hard:

 

1. There are no dental records. 

 

2. All the DNA matches. 

[420n620]

Heavenly Arrivals
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. 

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your freakin' bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[Ratwagon1600]

A man walks into an Australian pub and orders a pint. While he's drinking he notices a big jar full of $20 bills and a sign that said: "This could be yours". Curious he asked the pub landlord what it was all about.

 

"You have to pass three obstacles to win the money," explained the landlord.

"Okay, what are the obstacles?" asked the man.

"Can't tell you until you put a $20 bill in the jar," says the landlord.

Okay, thinks the man, how hard could they be? So he puts a $20 bill in the jar.

 

"First, you have to drink a barrel of tequila in one go," said the landlord. "Then you have to go out to the back yard and pull a decaying tooth out of my pit-bull terrier. Last, but not least, there's a 90-year-old virgin upstairs who wants someone to show her a good time before she dies."

 

"No way!" says the man. "Firstly no one's gonna manage to drink a whole barrel of tequila in one go. Secondly, I'm not as stupid as I look, and thirdly you can't expect me to f*ck a granny ... I got a reputation to uphold! No way am I doing that!"

 

"Suit yourself mate," says the landlord, "its your $20."

A few pints later, the man got up and said in a drunken fashion, "Right...where's that barrel of tequila?"

The landlord showed him where the barrel was and the man downed it in one ... everyone in the pub was amazed.

Another pint later he got up again and said, "Show where your dog is...I'm ready!"

 

So the landlord takes him out into the backyard and locks him out with the dog. Everyone in the pub could hear the man screaming and the dog barking and growling. This went on for about 5 minutes then the man walks in, his clothes ripped and his body covered in blood. Everyone looked at him in shock.

 

The landlord attended to him saying, "You okay, mate!" ...

 

 

 

The man replied, "Yeah I'm fine, now lets get this thing over with ... take me to the old woman who needed her tooth pulled out!"

[Tristin]

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hes never going to give you Up.

[Spoona_Jay21]

 

Makes me laugh everytime I tell it

 

 

This guys walks into a bar. Steps up to the bar and orders a drink. When he get's his beverage he says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, I got a bet for ya."

 

Bartender says, "What's the bet?"

 

Guys says, "I'll bet you $20,000 I can bite my right eye"

 

Bartender laughs a little and says, "Ok, your on."

 

The guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender is like 'shit he got me' and he pays up.

 

The guy finishes his beverage and orders another drink. When he get's his beverage he says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, I got another bet for ya."

 

Bartender says, "What's the bet this time?"

 

The guy says, "I'll bet you your $20,000 back, that I can bite my left eye."

 

Thae bartender is thinking to himself... there's no way he's got 2 glass eyes, he walked in here. He says, "Alright, you're on"

 

The guy pulls out his dentures, bites his left eye and put's his dentures back in.

 

The bartender is flabergasted, but he pays up...

 

The guy walks over to a table of people, starts talking and drinking his beverage.

 

A little while later the guy walks back up to the bar for another drink. After grabbing the bottle he says, "Ok barkeep, I got one more bet for ya. Double or nothing."

 

Bartender eyes him and says, "What is it this time?"

 

Guy says, " Double or nothing. I can jump into the air, spin around 3 times, piss over your shoulder into a shot glass and not miss a drop."

 

Bartenders thinkin he's just gotta see this...He says, "You're on"

 

The guy jumps up in the air, drops his pants, pisses all over the bar, all over the bartender...everywhere.

 

The bartender is laughing his ass off, "Ha ha ha, I know you couldn't do it" he says, "Tell me somethng though, you had $40,000 and lost $80,000...why?"

 

The guy says, "Well, you see that table over there? I bet them $250,000, I could piss in your face and you'd laugh."

 

 

 

:fu: Tarantino...my joke...you stole it...

 

i know this one is old as hell but every time i tell my girlfriends mom this one she just about crashes the car from laughing so hard :P

[nismo dr]

I took a sexual harassment course at work the other day... I gotta say, I think I'm going to be pretty good at it.

[Str8_69]

They used to call them Jumpolenes before your mom got on one.

[a.d._510_n_ok]

[FiveSeventyZee]

why did princess diana cross the road? 

 

 

 

 

...conservation of momentum

[420n620]

A TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL CONVERSATION:

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised!!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great!!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?

[Z-train]

I took a sexual harassment course at work the other day... I gotta say, I think I'm going to be pretty good at it.

Sexual harassment will NOT BE TOLERATED.It will however be graded.

[420n620]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

[Ratwagon1600]

What did Saddam Hussein and Miss Muffet have in common?

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They both had Kurds in their way!

[Z-train]

Family Dinner Party

 

 

My wife hosted a dinner party for both sides of our entire family and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

 

During dinner, my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

 

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

 

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet waiting for her response.

 

My little niece said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

[its_karl]

LMAO, busted.. how embarassed were her mom/dad?

 

That is too funny.