Daily Randomness.........Back to Randomness........................................

[Fat510]

I work with that kind of stuff every day, it's made to cut metal a soft squishy human would barely slow it down.

He would know first thumb.

[125 CSL]

Think I will avoid eastern Kentucky.   http://eastky.craigslist.org/rnr/5945964039.html

 

 

why farting in a Kohls dressing room isn't a good idea

 

I went to Kohl's today to pick up a couple new pairs of pants and just happened to stumble bass akwards into the second funniest thing to ever happen to me in a public dressing room.
The funniest thing, by the way, involved me, a rogue zipper, and two well-placed and well-needed stitches. I'll just leave it at that.
So I walk into the Kohl's dressing room and start trying on my regularly-priced-$79.99-now-on-sale-for-$23.99 pants and hear that someone is entering the dressing room adjacent to mine. I think nothing of it and continue to try to squeeze my 38-inch waist into a pair of 36-inch Dockers.
But a mere few seconds later I can hear this individual -- clearly a large man by the grunting and groaning -- taking off his belt. The noise a belt makes is quite distinct and it sounded like this guy had a belt buckle the size of a trash can lid. It sounded like he was taking off a parachute with all the clasps, buckles, and snaps he was undoing.
I chuckle to myself and take a deep breath to buckle my own pants when I hear this guy -- I'm going to start calling him Dirty Randy from now on -- make a couple additional grunting noises.
I'm paying homage to Dirty Randy from "The League." Great show.
It sounds like this guy -- I think to myself -- is trying to take a shit instead of trying to take a shirt.
This incredibly crazy idea is only made more plausible by the next thing that happens: Dirty Randy absolutely uncoils a five-star, MVP-caliber fart. It was one of those epic sonofabitches that gets a second wind halfway through and grows louder. It sounded like he was trying to start an old tractor.
At the time I had one leg into my own pants and the commotion in the next dressing room sent me tumbling against the wall laughing hysterically. Here I was busting a gut while this guy was busting ass.
"Son of a bitch," Dirty Randy mumbles matter-of-factly. And I don't know exactly what it was about the way he said it, but it sounded like he was saying "Son of a bitch" not as a result of what happened but as a precursor of what was yet to come.
To keep prices low, please don't shit in the dressing room
And sure enough Dirty Randy lets loose a second fart, this one somehow even more repulsive than the first. The noise was a cross between an old creaky door opening and a Beluga whale. If you don't know what that sounds like, check out this YouTube video.
Seriously, did this guy think he was walking into the men's room instead of the dressing room? Is he squatting over a pile of discarded clothes that didn't fit the last guy who was in there? The image playing out in my head was hysterical.
But the hysterics turned into hysteria when a visitor entered my dressing room. In the interest of full disclosure, I did lock the door before I went in there. But what came into that dressing room cannot be turned back by a $5 door bolt from Home Depot. It came in through, under, and over the door. It seeped through the cracks in the walls and tumbled down from the ceiling.
I'm here to tell you ladies and gentlemen, it was an actual mist. Like in that Stephen King movie. I half expected a monster to come out of it and eat me.
But that would have been the painless way out. Instead, what came out of that mist was a stench so horrific that eight hours later it's still burned into my nostrils.
"My bad, buddy," Dirty Randy says from the room next door, real casual-like as if he accidentally walked between me and a TV I was watching instead of purposely filling my dressing room full of Agent Orange. I gasped for air, trying to breathe through my mouth instead of my nose. But all that did was give me a big ole' taste of whatever it was he ate that caused such a travesty in his lower intestine. It was as if he consumed a whole bucket of sea water and bad Thai food.
I texted my wife and told her I loved her. This is probably the end.
And then as I began to pass out I hear a voice from afar.
"How's it going in there, Dirty Randy?" It's his wife, she's outside the dressing room now. And she didn't really call him Dirty Randy but it sort of ruins the story if I tell you his real name.
"It's too big."
Too big, I think. Is he talking about whatever he's trying on or whatever he's trying to get out?
I laugh at the thought of my own joke. It's starting to pull me from my own haze.
"Randy, pass it under the door and let me take a look at it."
Now I'm actually laughing out loud. Is this really happening to me? The guy who writes funny blogs just has this fall into his lap.
Or, more appropriately, fall out of the lap of the guy next to me.
"Jesus, Randy, did you just shit yourself?"
Mrs. Dirty Randy echoes my thoughts exactly. Not only do I think he shit himself, but he shit herself and myself and every other self in the Kohl's men's section.
"No," he replies timidly, "I think it was the guy in the room next to me."
My mouth drops. But then I can taste a wicked combination of burnt lasagna, sulfur, and Skoal. For some reason, in this moment Dirty Randy and I connect. It's as if I can tell this guy's wife is going to spend the rest of the day busting his balls for busting his ass. In the spirit of true brotherhood, I decide to take one for the team.
"My bad," I say.
"Gross," Mrs. Dirty Randy says and then I hear her leave. What follows next could not have been predicted. Dirty Randy doesn't thank me, he doesn't say sorry, but instead he lets loose the third and final blow, a low rumbling noise that sounded like he sat on a fog horn.
"Thank God she left," he says, "I was trying to choke that one off."
Needless to say, I didn't end up buying the pants

[q-tip]

He would know first thumb.

I have oics to prove it. :Lol:

[uieluck]

Sup this fine glorious Assachusetts. day!!

Tis shit is so ghey, can't wait to move!

 

Fun factoid for the day

We pay 3 separate heat & energy each month!

1: pay for pellets for a stove to heat the hizzo

2: pay for oil tank-furnace related, fluid that all furnaces out here have.

3: regular electric bill for lights etc.

Cray cray. Weird

1: $300ish for 1 ton of pellets, lasts for 1.5 months

2: $200 for oil, lasts one month

3: $---- for other regular electric

[datzenmike]

Get a heat pump.

Upgrade window and doors, insulation.

Get sweater and slippers for when at home and turn thermostat down

[uieluck]

Get a heat pump.

Upgrade window and doors, insulation.

Get sweater and slippers for when at home and turn thermostat down

Brand new windows & doors,,, insulation was completely redone 3 years ago. Tempie is set 64°. My wife wears a stocking hat in the house 96% of the time.

The fact AND matter here——NE BLOWS!

[datzenmike]

I hear ya. Lived west of you in Ontario. 

[thisismatt]

Heat pumps even work in that cold?

[hobospyder]

shit, wish i could get away with 64 degrees during the winter, that's not hot enough, needs to be 70+ even though during the summer want it less than 60..... fucking women

[datzenmike]

Heat pumps even work in that cold?

 

Good point. They are more efficient where the outside temps are closer to the inside. If you could bury the cooling coils well below the frost line where it's always above freezing you could use the whole state as a heat sink.

[VFR800]

[Ratwagon1600]

Michael Jackson, 8 years without molesting any children?

[datzenmike]

Can't wait to say that about Bill.....

[VFR800]

[125 CSL]

Fast and Furious. 15 years ago people. Local community it was both hated and loved. Before F&F1 if we got 20 at a meet it was damned crowded. After, 100's. Breathed life into the local car culture, but also tons of crap like a Toyota with BMW badges, More Honda with coffee can exhaust then one cared to count.

8 is now almost here, with what it looks like 4 more in pre production.

 

 

 

 

My own personal opinion is that it should have ended with the last one, with Paul Walker death.

[VFR800]

[VFR800]

My own personal opinion is that it should have ended with the last one, with Paul Walker death.

 

Agreed 100% with that.

[KoHeartsGPA]

Fast and Furious. 15 years ago people. Local community it was both hated and loved. Before F&F1 if we got 20 at a meet it was damned crowded. After, 100's. Breathed life into the local car culture, but also tons of crap like a Toyota with BMW badges, More Honda with coffee can exhaust then one cared to count.

8 is now almost here, with what it looks like 4 more in pre production.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uisBaTkQAEs   

 

 

 

My own personal opinion is that it should have ended with the last one, with Paul Walker death.

8????????? Fuck.....I only watched 1 & 2...

[125 CSL]

Damned VW.

Bought a VW golf as a beater, less wear on my project/toys. Timing belt went out. No problem, replace the belt. Oh I hate a fwd set up. Had to remove the mounts to get the belt back on. So all good,..noooo. More clacking then if I had drained the oil and started it. Every valve bent. After looking at some youtube video my save here is I was not driving when the belt failed, or I would have to do a whole rebuild.

 

Point here, IF you made the same mistake I did in buying a beater VW, Change that timing belt every 10,000 miles. Save yourself lots of wrench time.

[125 CSL]

So who has 50k sitting around? You can buy a 1200hp at the rear wheels.

 

http://www.lebanonford.com/lfp-hellion.htm

 

Car dealer offering one heck of an upgrade program.

 

The LFP Hellion Twin Turbo System has incredible capabilities and some truly impressive specs:

•   Twin 62mm Precision Built Turbos

•   Turbosmart VEE Port Bypass Valves

•   Large Vertical Flow Dual Inlet Intercooler

•   Controllable Boost from 5psi to a whooping 30psi!!!

Oh and did I mention it can generate up to 1,200 rear wheel horsepower with supporting mods?

We've decided to offer two LFP Hellion packages:

 

PACKAGE 1


Hellion Turbo System

Basani Cat-Back Exhaust (Preferred System by Hellion)

47 lbs Ford Racing Injectors

All install labor and supplies

 

 

$45,499  -

(plus normal tax, titles, fees)

Remember just like our LFP 727 for $39,995 package this LFP Hellion price includes the 300A Mustang GT, install, parts & labor.

 

PACKAGE 2   (Includes Package 1 plus):

95LBS Injectors

JMS PowerMax Boost-a-pump

TSS Oil Pump Gears (Includes Oil Gear, Timing Gear, and Crank Shaft Bolt)

Driveshaft Shop 800HP Halfshafts

$49,995 -

(plus normal tax, titles, fees).

Ready to order yet? Well here's a little more icing for the cake. Since we've captured the mythical unicorn for study we've decided to make this build a Limited Edition! We will be assigning these units special build numbers just like the  LFP 727 for $39,995 package and only plan to create a small quantity for 2017, so now is the time! Reach out today and make your next Mustang an LFP Hellion. Are you ready?

Visit our Web Page and fill out our contact form for more information or to order today!

 

[datzenmike]

I drove a Super Snake GT 500 a couple of years ago. Adds 300 to the 550 stock engine. Lots of tire brake suspension add ons and larger supercharger. Quite impressive.

[tr8er]

I've certainly never stepped on a 1200 HP throttle before.

 

Drove a Diablo. But didn't really "drive" it. Went maybe 30mph around a parking lot.

 

Drove a BMW 6 series. Drove it well. That would be the fastest I've ever gone. I wasn't even concerned. Those cars are ridiculously smooth. Didn't really feel like driving after a driving a Datsun. But it was impressive. 450HP or so.

[240zness]

8????????? Fuck.....I only watched 1 & 2...

Fast five is bananas

 

Porsche GT Man

[datzenmike]

Only saw one, and the other, where they were in Rio??? Last 1/2 hour of it. Shrug. Takes 1 1/2 minutes of film to accelerate to 80 and 8 up shifts.

[hobospyder]

Damned VW.

Bought a VW golf as a beater, less wear on my project/toys. Timing belt went out. No problem, replace the belt. Oh I hate a fwd set up. Had to remove the mounts to get the belt back on. So all good,..noooo. More clacking then if I had drained the oil and started it. Every valve bent. After looking at some youtube video my save here is I was not driving when the belt failed, or I would have to do a whole rebuild.

 

Point here, IF you made the same mistake I did in buying a beater VW, Change that timing belt every 10,000 miles. Save yourself lots of wrench time.

 

i have two golfs. if a timing belt goes, i'll use the other one and sell the shit one