joke's you know you got them

[420n620]

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too....

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in Canada was robbed by an unknown group of people.....

[DaBlist]

[K_trip]

- removed -

[420n620]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's ...chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[420n620]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch....

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

[420n620]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders....

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[DaBlist]

[Z-train]

Brian, The Perfect Man

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

 

Passenger: "Like who?"

 

Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."

 

Passenger: "Well, still, there are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

 

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

 

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never talk back to her even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian..."

 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his

fucking widow!"

[Z chopper]

3 pregnant women a brunette, a red head and a blonde are all sitting in the doctors office and started talking about what they are going to have, the brunette says "I am gonna have a boy because I was on the bottom" the red head says "I am going to have a girl because I was on top" the blonde runs out of the office crying. The next week all 3 are back at the doctors office and the brunette and the red head ask the blonde why she ran out crying in a sniffling almost in tears voice she says "I am gonna have puppies."

[Z-train]

Double Standards

 

When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.

 

BUT when a guy orders a 240-volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup

 

latex doll with 6-speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with

 

non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in

 

realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!

[420n620]

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
 

 

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
 

 

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
 

 

The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
 

 

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.
 

 

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
 

 

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, They're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
 

 

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
 

 

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
 

 

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
 

 

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
 

 

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

[Burabuda]

[Burabuda]

[DaBlist]

[DaBlist]

[DaBlist]

[DaBlist]

[Burabuda]

[merlin]

 you go up to a casual friend and ask..."So if you went camping with a buddy, and you woke up in the middle of the night to find him fucking you up the ass, would you tell anyone?"

 

hopefully the say "no!"

 

if they do, pause fo a second and say"So... you wanna go camping this weekend?"

[420n620]

[Burabuda]

[Jennifer]

:( sorry repostt

 

 

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Burabuda]

[Burabuda]

this one goes out to tristina

 

[elmerfudpucker]

Ever wonder how the Angel wound up on the top of the tree?

It all started long ago with a very tired and rather upset Santa, he was trying to get the loose ends of the season done before Xmas eve. But it had been a tight year with more orders than ever. The sleigh still needed to be loaded, the elves was constantly complaining about the workload. And he just found out that 2 of the deer are missing and one was sick from too much egg nog. Then to top it off, Mrs Kringle had just let him know that her Mother was on the way for a short 2 week visit later this afternoon...

Unfortunately, right about then the Angel came dragging in a tree, "Hey Santa!! Where do you want to put the tree this year?" 

And now you know!