Ratsun Tool Dictionary!!!

[Rusty]

I found this on the net, thought it was funny...

 

Tool Dictionary

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for

suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your

hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings

your beer across the room, splattering it against

that freshly painted part you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws

them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of

light Also removes fingerprint swirls and

hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it

takes you to say, "Sh*t!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop

rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

PLIERS: A simple hand tool used to round off bolt

heads.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on

the Ouija board principle. It transforms human

energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and the

more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Next generation Pliers. Also used to

round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,

they can also be used to transfer intense welding

heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for

igniting various flammable objects in your shop.

Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel

hub you want the bearing race out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older

British cars and motorcycles, they are now used

mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket

you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an

automobile to the ground after you have installed

your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle

firmly under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2 x 4: Used for levering

an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir wood

splinters.

 

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he

has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a

sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly

for getting dog doo off your boot.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times

harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in

bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile

strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar

that inexplicably has an accurately machined

screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning

booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good

source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which

is not otherwise found under cars at night.

 

Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to

consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate

that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,

say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.

More often dark than light, its name is somewhat

misleading.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids

of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil

on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name

implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that converts energy

produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles

away into compressed air that travels by hose to a

Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty

bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at

ERCO and neatly rounds off their heads.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal

surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to

remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the

hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to

locate the really expensive parts nearest the object

we are trying to hit. In the South we usually say "just get a bigger hammer!"

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the

contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your

front door; works particularly well on contents such

as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,

collector magazines, refund checks, rubber or

plastic parts and fingers.

 

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw

across the garage while yelling DAMMIT" at the top

of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you

will need.

 

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally and in

hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and

indignities following our every deficiency in

foresight.

 

SOUTHERN ENGINEERING: A term used to descibe the use of "baling wire" or "duct-tape" to fix a problem. Actually this one usually works

[BEEBANI]

RE-POST........sorry there repeat.;)

 

 

Redeye posted something similiar about a year ago.

 

Still funny though.

[fiveNdime]

RE-POST........sorry there repeat.;)

 

Redeye posted something similiar about a year ago.

 

Still funny though.

 

Yeah, but how many people would have searched for that!

Funny stuff, thanks :D

[BEEBANI]

No, but it only took me 2 minutes to find it!

 

http://forum.ratsun.net/showthread.php?t=287&highlight=tool

[]2eDeYe]

Lol :D

[Rusty]

RE-POST........sorry there repeat.;)

 

 

Redeye posted something similiar about a year ago.

 

Still funny though.

I said I found it on the net?...

i didnt say im the guy that found somthing new that nobody has read before.:fu:

and it was better than reading a new post about 620 brakes, wasnt it:lol:

[BEEBANI]

or another gay ass 320! wink wink

[fiveNdime]

No, but it only took me 2 minutes to find it!

 

http://forum.ratsun.net/showthread.php?t=287&highlight=tool

 

I'm glad you can search...."clapping"

 

I was stating that it was funny...and that some poeple who havent been on here that long would never think about looking for that type of stuff.

[BEEBANI]

I'm glad you can search...."clapping"

 

I was stating that it was funny...and that some poeple who havent been on here that long would never think about looking for that type of stuff.

 

Dude, ease up on the caffeine! I'm not trying to battle ya here, just showing how easy it was to find and giving everyone an opportunity to read the other post that had a lot of funny shit in it.

[RB_Shaggs]

 

STOP FIGHTING!! i'M SERIOUS

 

sorry on a photobucket kick today.. :lol::fu:

[BEEBANI]

That Is Hilarious!!!

[fiveNdime]

I have no sound on the computer right now...actually haven't for a couple weeks.....so I have learned to read lips...:lol: So that video is hopeless for me.

 

forgot to install the driver....shoot.

 

I haven't had caffeine for a while.....I just hate stupid sarcasm. OOh well....lets all hug....hahaha

[DatDoug]

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile

strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

That one is my fav:D