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Because Australia.

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Football, meat pies, kangaroos and Holden cars!


Our first nation peeps will have their usual pissing and moaning session today about "invasion day" as they like to call it.


They should be partaying as hard as the rest of us folk and being thankful Indonesia didnt colonise this great southernland.


Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi !

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The following is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.


Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features; including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge where a wall of sheer cliffs plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this was simply an accident of geomorphology but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that, not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either!


The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses are classified as continents, islands or countries, Australia is considered to be all three. Typically, it is unique in this.


The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd and Sheep.

Of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9. Or it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most Poisonous arachnids, Australia has them all. However there are few Snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. Visitors should be careful to check inside boots before putting them on, under toilet seats before sitting down)and generally everywhere else where spiders might lurk. A stick is very useful for this task.


Another confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. Around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.


Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge of them. They tried to plant their crops in autumn, failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons, then ate all their food so a lot of them died. That was when the sheep arrived and have been treasured ever since.

It is interesting to note that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate - supposedly the marks of a civilized culture. Whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.


Eventually, the new arrivals stopped being Europeans on extended holiday and became Australians. The changes in them were subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and the eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world plus the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.

But be warned!

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with surfboarders, sharks, stinging jellyfish and stonefish, which sit on the sea bed pretending to be a rock with venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.


As a result of all the hardship, dirt, thirst and weird animals, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to offer a kind word to a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. They have achieved major engineering feats with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.


Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is in reality, the 'other side' of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing is that they may be right.


There are several traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear Hawaiian shirts.

Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation because Australians don't care too much about either, but SPORT is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, he?" is ....."Best (insert your own regional swear word here) little country in the world!" It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse because it is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste in your mouth and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub", to which the police will sagely nod and close their notebooks.

Be sure to tell the story of those events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.


Typical Australian sayings you should learn to use use:- * G'Day! She'll be right mate. No Worries.


Tips to Surviving Australia: - NEVER put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER. - The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is. - Always carry a stick. - Air-conditioning is imperative. - Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight. - Wear thick socks. - Invest in good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby. - If you leave the urban areas carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. - Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.


How to identify Australians: * They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in their wallets. * They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin". * They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep. * They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy". * Their hamburgers always contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must have. * They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to touch. * They will react in horror when companies try to market "Anzac cookies". * They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

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